WWE CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
WWE Cruiserweight Champion Neville vs. Austin Aries
No truer words will I write than how much of a damn shame it is to see this match relegated to the Wrestlemania Kick-Off show. You could argue that even being on the Kick-Off show makes this part of Wrestlemania, but honestly, when your main card is four hours long, it's hard to justify why you'd take two of your most talented performers and make them the opening bout while many fans are still filing into the arena.
Neville has improved leaps and bounds as the headlining heel for WWE's rebirthed Cruiserweight division. Sure, he scowls pretty much all the time, his promos tend to border on repetitious, and his voice never really leaves that tone reminiscent of a sniveling brat who's going to get you--oh, he's going to get you, but both his character and in-ring work is much more interesting now that there's something at stake.
Austin Aries did an admirable and entertaining job keeping himself relevant behind the commentary table, but like many fans I felt a huge relief at seeing him return to in-ring competition. He lends 205 Live some much-needed star power and while we all loved listening to Noam Dar recite Alicia Fox's name every week, Aries finally gives fans of the Curiserweight division a full-fledged character to cling to.
While I would never expect WWE to consider the Cruiserweight Championship a "main event"-caliber match, given the right opportunity, this could be the encounter we're all talking about Monday morning. Being on the Kick-Off show not only means less exposure for both men, but increases the probability of intrusive "commercial" breaks and time constraints.
It's hard to say who will win. Keeping Neville as Champion and allowing Aries to chase him is a surefire way to keep fans glued to the WWE Network. Letting Aries capture the title not only gives "The Greatest Man that Ever Lived" his first Wrestlemania Moment (TM), but allows for Neville to slide down the card to tango with lesser-known talent while Aries' charisma plays off new stars who haven't had a chance to flex their creative muscle.
I'm personally hoping for the latter.
WHO WILL WIN: Austin Aries
WHO SHOULD WIN: Austin Aries
SMACKDOWN WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
WWE Smackdown Women's Champion Alexa Bliss vs. Becky Lynch vs. Mickie James vs. Natalya vs. Carmella vs. Naomi
"Divas Revolution!" we said! "Give Divas a chance!" we said! And WWE heard us...almost. While Raw was busy botching Bayley's rise to main-roster stardom (more on that later), Smackdown Live basically decided to throw up its hands and revert back to the 2005 solution of throwing every eligible woman in a match for one belt because everyone wins first place.
It's a shame, too, because I don't think there can be any argument that Alexa Bliss has been the most entertaining part of the Smackdown's Women's Division. Even with Naomi's brief reign as Champion earlier this year, the real exciting aspect of her victory was that she had now officially joined a division that had only gotten better with time. Becky Lynch is the obvious fan favorite, but it's hard to discount the talent of a veteran like Natalya or the athleticism of Alexa. As a character, Bliss is the most intriguing woman on the roster. Her promos have improved immensely since making the move up to Smackdown. Her expressions both while on the mic and in-match are so spot-on, she's one of the few wrestlers that can tell you a story without saying a word.
Oh, and did I mention Mickie James is here, too? Say what you want about the lack of depth on the Smackdown roster at large: this women's division is stacked.
There are no storylines about someone stealing someone else's boyfriend or bubble gum or hairbrushes or whatever it is women get upset about in WWE's 1950's view of the fairer sex. For the most part, the friction between these women centers around their desire to be Champion, and WWE should be commended for that.
Alexa should retain her title, giving the rest of the roster a chance to chase her for it and giving fans even more of what has helped make this division must-watch television. However, there's always the looming spectacle of hometown girl Naomi returning from injury to win the title on wrestling's biggest stage. WWE has a track record of keeping stars humble in their own stomping grounds, but given how organic this return has been for Naomi, the story practically writes itself.
Alexa should retain her title, giving the rest of the roster a chance to chase her for it and giving fans even more of what has helped make this division must-watch television. However, there's always the looming spectacle of hometown girl Naomi returning from injury to win the title on wrestling's biggest stage. WWE has a track record of keeping stars humble in their own stomping grounds, but given how organic this return has been for Naomi, the story practically writes itself.
It's a shame that--if history is any indication--throwing half a dozen performers into a single match rarely results in the kind of mat classics we'll be talking about for years to come. For all the strides WWE has taken in presenting women's wrestling as a legitimate counterpart to their male-dominated product, we still have a long way to go before we see the kinds of matches from the main roster that made these women so popular in NXT.
WHO WILL WIN: Naomi
WHO SHOULD WIN: Alexa Bliss
ANDRE THE GIANT MEMORIAL BATTLE ROYAL
Finally: a Kick-Off match that probably belongs on the Kick-Off show! Was that so hard?
All the usual suspects are here: you've got your traditional "No way you'll eliminate me" big-men like Big Show and Braun Stroman, your meandering mid-carders like Mojo Rawley and Apollo "Smile and Wave" Crews, and your "don't count me out" underdogs like Sami Zayn.
Oh, Sami Zayn. You beat long-time rival Kevin Owens on Raw just for the opportunity to be in this match while everyone seem to be entering themselves without a second throught. You might even win. It's clear Vince McMahon has a bulging, billion-dollar man-crush on Stroman, so that's way more likely, but we can all live vicariously through you, you scrappy everyman, and hope that by some miracle you come out the victor. You carry all our hopes and dreams on your pale, optimistic shoulders.
Much like the Smackdown Women's Championship match, this will be anything but a classic. There's only one battle royal with any kind of tension or flow, and that' the Royal Rumble. What makes the Rumble works is that the entrants are slowly trickled into the match, leaving the crowd sitting with rapt attention as they wonder who be next to walk down that ramp and leaving the wrestlers in the ring with an opportunity to tell a story (albeit an abridged one) before someone new joins the fray.
Starting the match with twenty some-odd wrestlers in the ring and watching as they all awkwardly attempt to look equally important leaves fans waiting to see who the final two will be and not caring about much else.
But does a victory in this battle royal really means anything? No disrespect to the memory and legacy of Andre the Giant, but I challenge to WWE to follow through on the implied promise that victory provides.
Winning the Royal Rumble gets you a main-event slot at Wrestlemnia (unless you're Randy Orton, but more on that later). Winning the Money-in-the-Bank Ladder Match got you a shot at the World Championship virtually anytime you wanted.
Winning the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal gets you...the privilege of being billed as the winner of the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal. Seriously. This is the fourth iteration of this match. Past winners include Cesaro, Big Show, and Baron Corbin. You could argue that Corbin's victory last year allowed him to contend for the WWE Championship in 2016, but he'd probably have wound up there anyway out of sheer necessity given the thinness of Smackdown's roster. Can you really say any of these men would be anywhere else in their respective careers had it not been for their battle royal wins?
It's not so much about who will win this match, but what that will mean for the winner going forward. Don't waste this, WWE. Don't toy with my emotions. Not again.
WHO WILL WIN: Braun Stroman
WHO SHOULD WIN: Sami Zayn
TRIPLE-THREAT TAG TEAM LADDER MATCH
WWE RAW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP
WWE Raw Tag Team Champions The Club (Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson) vs. Enzo Amore & Big Cass vs. Cesaro & Sheamus)
Okay. The misty fog of the Kick-Off show is behind us, and we're now into the Show of Shows, the Granddaddy of Them All, the Showcase of the Immortals.
I've mentioned before how underwhelming The Club's WWE run has been thus far. The powers that be took a step to correcting that by putting the Raw Tag Team Championship around their waists, but reverted back to their predictable, indy-smashing ways by allowing the internet darlings to be outsmarted at nearly every turn by pretty much every other tag team on the roster.
This will be a decent match in the same way the latest Harry Potter film was a decent movie: It may not win any awards, but it gets the job done. None of the participants are well-suited for a ladder match besides Big Cass who could grab the belts from the third rung without fully extending his arm. There's no death-defying high-flyer to perform some inhuman feat of suicidal proportions. It's not the kind of match we'll be telling our children about the way we tell them about TLC II from Wrestlemania X-Seven.
As with most of the champions on this show, The Club should retain their titles and let the rest of the division chase them. But what division is there, really?
A lot of fans have come to love Cesaro and Sheamus. I am not one of those fans. They still look awkward together and lack the kind of opposing chemistry that other random tandems have had in the past such as Kane and Daniel Bryan. Their antics feel forced and I get the sense that both would rather be doing just about anything else if they didn't need this job so much.
Then there's Enzo and Cass. It hurts me to say I am actually sick of this team. They were by far my favorite tag act in NXT, but that was because you only saw them once or twice a month. Having every single promo start with that same Certified G speech has made the act tired. It's great for a live crowd, but from home the two look like a one-trick pony, and that pony has seen much better days.
It's possible WWE will give the northeast natives the title reign they never got in NXT, but with rumors circulating that Big Cass is being primed for main-event singles status, it's much more likely they will continue to be fodder for others going into the post-Wrestemania season.
The true crime is that these titles mean so little because the division itself lacks any measure of depth, especially with your most popular team relegated to "hosting" duties for the night. Here's hoping WWE has a trick or two up its sleeve to rejuvenate what is fast becoming the least exciting part of Raw.
WHO WILL WIN: The Club (Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson)
WHO SHOULD WIN: The Club (Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson)
WWE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
WWE Intercontinental Champion Dean Ambrose vs. Baron Corbin
The Intercontinental Championship saw a return to prominence in 2016 around the waist of "Comeback Kid" The Miz. Meanwhile, Dean Ambrose managed to reach the top of the proverbial mountain by winning the WWE Championship, but lost it to AJ Styles and nobody's really complaining about that.
Baron Corbin has had a year of growth, going from NXT rookie to Smackdown's main event scene, and finally slipping back down to the mid-card to feud with Dean over one of WWE's most prestigious belts.
Having two strong, established talents feuding over the belt makes the title mean something the way that John Cena helped restore the fledgling United States Championship to glory a year ago. Letting Dean strut around with the IC strap is a classic case of letting the man make the title.
While I don't expect this to be the type of classic many Intercontinental title bouts are known for, I do think it has potential to be one of the more memorable matches of the night. That depends a lot on how much time is granted and how "snug" the men decide to work.
Personally, I'd love to see Ambrose drop the title here and help Corbin become an even bigger star than he already is. Corbin could have a great time squashing Smackdown Live's undercard, turning him into a true force of nature and elevating him back to top-tier status.
It also frees Ambrose up to do what he should've done a long time ago: turn heel. I know what you're thinking: Smackdown's World Championship picture is already overstuffed with heel characters, and that doesn't look to change anytime soon with Cena being closer to the end of his career than the beginning, but that could all be solved by letting AJ Styles--a man whom fans already cheer regardless of how ruthless he becomes--truly be the "face" that runs the place.
WHO WILL WIN: Baron Corbin
WHO SHOULD WIN: Baron Corbin
WWE UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
WWE United States Champion Chris Jericho vs. Kevin Owens
WWE UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
WWE United States Champion Chris Jericho vs. Kevin Owens
I'm not even going to try to sugarcoat the fact that this is the match I am most looking forward to. The story going in was built to perfection: "Best friends, better enemies," as WWE loves to say. The chemistry between Owens and a Chris Jericho who refuses to age is undeniable. Seriously. The guy got the word "it" over.
From a storytelling, technical, and pure anticipation standpoint, my expectations are very high. We are dealing with two absolute masters of their craft: men who understand ring and crowd psychology better than just about anybody else (they got us to care about a clipboard more than championships for God's sake).
I'd prefer if this match had been for the WWE Universal Championship. Alas, WWE suffers from the syndrome of telling fans that even their best modern-day talent is but a shade weaker when basking in the brilliance of the much older stars of yesteryear. Still, that United States Championship is the X-factor (no, not that X-Factor) in this match, since it means this about more than just good vs. evil.
Without the United States Championship, the story writes itself: Chris Jericho defeats selfish ex-best friend Kevin Owens in what may be Jericho's final match. Or, perhaps Kevin Owens, in a dastardly show of smarts, outwits the hero Jericho in a desperate bid to redeem his loss of the coveted Universal Championship.
Whoever wins this match not only takes home bragging rights, but is saddled with the responsibility of carrying Raw's upper mid-card presumably through to Summerslam.
Even if Chris Jericho is the most beloved star on Raw, his job is clearly to help get the newer talent over. He's been brilliant in this role opposite Kevin Owens, so much so that it likely goes over the fans heads. Until Jericho's arrival, KO was getting cheered at every turn, no matter what lows he stooped to in order to become Universal Champion. WWE wanted a true, cold-blooded heel, so they brought in Jericho to supplant Owens as the heel fans love to cheer.
Y2J was slowly putting the wheels into motion that would eventually make him the most popular star on the roster. The List of Jericho, the phrase "stupid idiot", the word "it", any variation of his Gift of Jericho catchphrase: these all initially annoyed the crowd, but Jericho was actually beating the fans at their own game. Rather than become a heel who got cheered, Y2J displayed deliberately ambiguous tendencies so he could replace Kevin Owens as the man we loved to hate. It was hokey, it was silly, and it was brilliant, building to a perfect crescendo so that when Owens did finally turn on his best friend, the heat on KO was real.
There's no telling how long Jericho will stick around after 'Mania. Dropping the title to Owens could lead to another few months of back and forth with Owens taking two out of three victories. Keeping the title on Jericho could keep the feud going indefinitely and provide a real shock to fans when he is finally pinned.
Either way, I am in for the long haul.
WHO WILL WIN: Kevin Owens
WHO SHOUDL WIN: Kevin Owens
WWE RAW WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP
FATAL FOUR-WAY MATCH
WWE Raw Women's Champion Bayley vs. Charlotte Flair vs. Sasha Banks vs. Nia Jax
Much like the Smackdown Women's Championship picture, it's hard to look at this match and not lament what could've been.
Charlotte and Sasha not only provided a fantastic back-and-forth feud that showed mainstream fans what women's wrestling should be, it established Charlotte as the single best heel in either women's division. Meanwhile, Bayley was making a slow-but-steady rise from NXT to Raw where she feuded with the sparse undercard. Everything seemed primed for Bayley's inevitable victory to come at Wrestlemania, where she could dethrone the queen in the biggest spotlight.
Instead, that win came almost two months early on Raw. Not all was lost, though, as the unavoidable rematch could be set for Wrestlemania, where the ultimate underdog faced down the dominant challenger, right?
Nope!
WWE once again clung to its "everyone is the best" mentality, throwing Sasha into the mix after The Boss pinned Bayley on Raw, and then did the same with Nia Jax so there would be at least one wrestler who is a clear heel in all of this.
It's not that Nia's a bad wrestler. If nothing else, she adds a completely different dynamic to the match than the other competitors. Unfortunately, as I've said, it shows a complete lack of focus and dedication on WWE's part when it comes to women's wrestling.
The division is too small to have true "qualifying" matches for a Wrestlemania title match à la the Royal Rumble, but if you're not going to do that, you should at least be building a storyline worthy of carrying two main sars into an epic confrontation at your biggest showcase. It seemed like we were en route to that before WWE started pulling names out of a hat to add to this match.
Just like the Smackdown women's match, there's nothing poetic about this format. Much of it will be spent getting two of the four competitors isolated to tell the main story and maybe coming up with a couple of interesting spots where all four women can interact simultaneously. I'm not saying the match will be bad, but it's a far cry from the story they could have told if they'd kept it between the two stars with legit beef.
Of course, a Sasha Banks heel turn could make this a much more intriguing affair.
WHO WILL WIN: Charlotte Flair
WHO SHOULD WIN: Bayley
Instead, that win came almost two months early on Raw. Not all was lost, though, as the unavoidable rematch could be set for Wrestlemania, where the ultimate underdog faced down the dominant challenger, right?
Nope!
WWE once again clung to its "everyone is the best" mentality, throwing Sasha into the mix after The Boss pinned Bayley on Raw, and then did the same with Nia Jax so there would be at least one wrestler who is a clear heel in all of this.
It's not that Nia's a bad wrestler. If nothing else, she adds a completely different dynamic to the match than the other competitors. Unfortunately, as I've said, it shows a complete lack of focus and dedication on WWE's part when it comes to women's wrestling.
The division is too small to have true "qualifying" matches for a Wrestlemania title match à la the Royal Rumble, but if you're not going to do that, you should at least be building a storyline worthy of carrying two main sars into an epic confrontation at your biggest showcase. It seemed like we were en route to that before WWE started pulling names out of a hat to add to this match.
Just like the Smackdown women's match, there's nothing poetic about this format. Much of it will be spent getting two of the four competitors isolated to tell the main story and maybe coming up with a couple of interesting spots where all four women can interact simultaneously. I'm not saying the match will be bad, but it's a far cry from the story they could have told if they'd kept it between the two stars with legit beef.
Of course, a Sasha Banks heel turn could make this a much more intriguing affair.
WHO WILL WIN: Charlotte Flair
WHO SHOULD WIN: Bayley
Shane McMahon vs. AJ Styles
Shane McMahon vs. AJ Styles
Speaking of "legit beef," do any two stars have a bigger issue than AJ Styles and Shane McMahon?
That question's only half rhetorical, because this storyline is one of the more confusing ones.
After all, it was Shane that advocated for Styles as #1 Contender to Bray Wyatt's WWE Championship when Royal Rumble winner Randy Orton surrendered his own opportunity. So why is it AJ takes his frustrations out on Shane when Orton suddenly changes his mind?
The build-up to this match has been very good with AJ cutting some of the best promos of his entire career and Shane doing a fine--if at times rickety--job as the reluctantly assertive authority figure.
Yes, it's a shame that after his incredible 2016, AJ wasn't destined to carry the WWE Championship into 'Mania, and yes, it's disappointing that we didn't get the AJ vs. Nakamura masterpiece we'd hoped for. You probably won't get a 5-star classic from Shane O' Mac, but this match feels "big".
You'll get some crazy stunt from Shane, proving once again that he's the real Suicide.
One of fans' biggest concerns for AJ coming to WWE was that he wouldn't be able to hold his own on the mic. But the "Phenomenal One's" feud with John Cena proved that Styles is no slouch when it comes to verbally lashing his opponents. Add to that an in-ring repertoire that continues to defy his age, and you've got the man who just might be the greatest wrestler on the planet right now.
There are a few questions this match will have to answer post-'Mania. What kind of condition will Shane be in and will he be able to resume his duties as Smackdown Live Commissioner? Will AJ be in consideration for the WWE Championship if he can topple his boss?
I'm excited to see what kind of story these two can tell...and I hope AJ gets the Wrestlemania victory that eluded him last year.
WHO WILL WIN: AJ Styles
WHO SHOULD WIN: AJ Styles
NON-SANCTIONED MATCH
Triple H vs. Seth Rollins
It's been a rough couple years for Seth Rollins. After missing last year's Wrestlemania due to a catastrophic knee injury, it looked like fate had drawn his number again in 2017 mere weeks before the big event. The storyline between he and Triple H has been slowly built over the last year, and it'd be a shame to miss out on the payoff. Thankfully, the wrestling gods seem to have cut "The Architect" some slack.
He may not be at 100%, but between Rollins' raw ability and Triple H's veteran instinct, I'd be surprised if this isn't one of the matches fans are talking about after the show is over. Like Styles vs. Shane, don't expect a technical exhibition by any stretch. It doesn't need to be.
You can trace the roots of this feud all the way back to Wrestlemania 31. These men despise each other. Even if Seth were at his best, I can't imagine we'd see anything resembling a wrestling match. I don't want to see a wrestling match. I want to see these two beat the hell out of each other by any means necessary.
It's a non-sanctioned match, which is a fancy of way of saying No Disqualification, so anything goes. Most expect to see Samoa Joe interfere on Triple H's behalf--especially considering WWE's "Destroyer" isn't booked anywhere else on the card. Rumors abound that Finn Bálor could make a surprise return to the ring to fend off the Samoan Submission Machine, but I don't think that makes a lot of sense. Balor may dislike Triple H because everybody hates the boss, but Rollins is the one that put the Demon King out of action at Summerslam, so if anything seeing Rollins hobbling around on crutches is nothing but poetic justice. A Bálor return on Monday's Raw could be incredible, but this match needs to be about the corporate machine and the renegade protégé.
I can't see a scenario where Triple H walks away with the victory. They could drag the feud out to Summerslam where Seth might be fully recovered and able to carry a more complex match, but in the meantime you'll have a returning Bálor to deal with and a Samoan who should be in the title picture sooner than later.
I can't see a scenario where Triple H walks away with the victory. They could drag the feud out to Summerslam where Seth might be fully recovered and able to carry a more complex match, but in the meantime you'll have a returning Bálor to deal with and a Samoan who should be in the title picture sooner than later.
Rollins recognizes the importance of staying in the public eye to keep himself relevant. Missing two 'Manias in a row would mean having to build this feud up from scratch upon his return and working his way back into title contention. Whether or not performing in this kind of match so soon after injury is good for his long-term health is a question only he can answer, but for WWE the question becomes what to do with Seth--and what he'll be capable of--once the match is over.
WHO WILL WIN: Seth Rollins
WHO SHOULD WIN: Seth Rollins
WHO WILL WIN: Seth Rollins
WHO SHOULD WIN: Seth Rollins
John Cena & Nikki Bella vs. The Miz & Maryse
I've already explained ad nauseam my issues with John Cena's promo on the "go-home" edition of Smackdown Live. The Miz and Maryse's Total Bellas spoofs have been great, and Miz himself has become a cornerstone of Smackdown every week.
Unfortunately, nobody's managed to explain just why Nikki Bella is in this match. This goes back months ago to when Natalya and Nikki knocked over Maryse's makeup counter backstage during a scuffle, but that's it? Okay, so we have the allegations that Nikki tried to block Maryse from getting a slot on Total Divas, but that was only made public after The Miz and John Cena had it out during the #1 Conteder Battle Royal a week or two prior.
Unlike some villains who get the "good to be bad" reaction, the Miz has done the best work of his career to become one of the most truly hated heels on Smackdown. It's a shame it's all going to waste. For every one of his scathing promos against the leader of the Cenation, all John does is say, "Hey, that was pretty funny!" He's not intimidated or hurt at all by what The Miz says, and as many a great wrestler will tell you, if you shrug off your opponent's words and then beat them, you've beaten nobody. Sure, Cena got riled up and Nikki was standing next to him with the kind of proud smile you get when you live vicariously through someone else, but the bottom line is these performers deserve better. The Miz should be feuding for championship gold. Nikki should be squaring off with Alexa Bliss or Becky Lynch for the Women's Championship in what is most likely her final match. John Cena should be staring down the Deadman instead of becoming a tool to get social media a-buzzing.
I don't think anyone can doubt the night will end with Cena finally popping the question to Nikki in front of a stadium full of fans, the question that looms over this match is, does the match itself really matter?
How do we fix that? Let Miz and Maryse win. I know, crazy, right? But hear me out: Maryse--through some trickery--manages to pin Nikki and steal the victory. A crestfallen Nikki struggles to her feet as a recovering Cena helps her up, suddenly taking a knee and proposing. You still get your Wrestlemania moment, but with the added bonus that while Cena and Nikki ride off into the sunset, The Miz and Maryse get bragging rights as the ones who sent them packing. Everybody wins.
Of course, this is John Cena we're talking about, so just forget I said any of that.
WHO WILL WIN: John Cena & Nikki Bella
WHO SHOUDLD WIN: The Miz & Maryse
The Undertaker vs. Roman Reigns
If we're talking about pure storytelling, this match sits right behind Owens/Jericho as my most anticipated match of the night.
I'm not gonna discuss how old The Undertaker is or how much Roman Reigns has been shoved down our throats. The internet has done a fantastic job of documenting that. Instead, let's take our Smarky Caps off buy in for a minute.
You can argue that The Undertaker's matches don't mean quite as much since Brock Lesnar broke The Streak, but I beg to differ. Before The Streak was over, how many of The Phenom's Wrestlemania matches were you legitimately excited for? WWE didn't really start talking about The Undertaker's undefeated streak until Wrestlemania 21-ish against golden rookie Randy Orton. That was 12 years ago. Since then, the Deadman has faced Batista, Edge, Mark Henry, Shawn Michaels, Triple H, and CM Punk before falling to Lesnar at Wrestlemania XXX. These are great names, but with the exceptions of HBK's first bout, Triple H's second, and (on a very slim margin) Punk, did you really think any of these men were going to win? The ending was rarely in doubt.
That all changed when the Streak ended. The Undertaker can lose now, because there is less at stake. Sure, we won't get the absolutely heart-stopping, earth-shattering, bed-wetting shock of seeing someone topple the hitherto undefeated Phenom, but a victory over the Deadman still means something. If it didn't, why would Bray Wyatt and Shane McMahon have lost in their respective matches against the Demon From Death Valley? WWE had to hodge-podge Shane into the role of Smackdown Commisioner because they still protect The Undertaker whenever possible. That's a good thing for The Undertaker's legacy, and could be a great thing for Roman Reigns.
I never thought I'd say this, but I want to see Roman Reigns beat The Undertaker.
WWE is clearly grooming Roman to be the next face of the company, but "smart" fans should remember that there's a difference between being "the face" and being "a face." Remember when Seth Rollins was WWE Champion for all those months? That was before the brand split, which means there was no John Cena or AJ Styles to carry the "main" title the while much deserving stalwarts traded the secondary belt. Rollins was a heel at the time and was still trusted to be the face of the company.
Why can't they do the same with Reigns? Whether WWE tries to make Roman a face or heel, fans will react however they want, regardless. So why not have Reigns--who screams "heel" form his look to his promos--finally become a true villain for the company? Toppling the Deadman will solidify him as a man the fans love to hate, but now we have actual storylines to support us. No longer will we be blaming Vince McMahon and the creative team for shoving Reigns down our throats. Reigns would get actual heat for beating one of the most beloved stars in WWE history.
To me, there is no other way to go. The Undertaker gains nothing by beating Reigns, but Reigns gains everything by ensuring victory. Heel turns are tricky things, but if done right, it could be the stuff of legend.
WHO WILL WIN: Roman Reigns
WHO SHOULD WIN: Roman Reigns
WWE UNIVERSAL CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
WWE Universal Champion Goldberg vs. Brock Lesnar with Paul Heyman
I couldn't care less about this match. Sorry, folks. I should probably search for some redeeming quality here, but I can't find any.
Goldberg's last run should've been against someone like Roman Reigns, Kevin Owens, or Samoa Joe. Instead, WWE destroyed Owens' tremendous title run to put Goldberg on top and then--in a sacrilege that can never be undone--had Goldberg literally run through the man that beat The Streak.
WWE often seems befuddled by the fact that its modern-day stars can't reach the level of popularity their predecessors did in the almighty Attitude Era. They never stop to think that having a 50 year-old man who hasn't wrestled in 12 years return to decimate your 32 year-old world champion might make your roster look a little weak.
The WWE Universe was bound to grow tired of Goldberg in the same way you tire of seeing your aging, cantankerous grandfather at Christmas for more than fifteen minutes. There's that initial spark of familiarity when he comes through the door and envelops everyone in awkward, overemotional embraces. Perhaps he even brings you a trinket to show that his mind hasn't completely failed him even if you are clearly too old for Duplos; but after a while he lapses into the routine of telling you the same old stories and while you may have had an initial patience to politely smile and show him a faux enthusiasm, eventually you start to look for ways to gracefully distance yourself and find someone else to talk to.
The WWE Universe was bound to grow tired of Goldberg in the same way you tire of seeing your aging, cantankerous grandfather at Christmas for more than fifteen minutes. There's that initial spark of familiarity when he comes through the door and envelops everyone in awkward, overemotional embraces. Perhaps he even brings you a trinket to show that his mind hasn't completely failed him even if you are clearly too old for Duplos; but after a while he lapses into the routine of telling you the same old stories and while you may have had an initial patience to politely smile and show him a faux enthusiasm, eventually you start to look for ways to gracefully distance yourself and find someone else to talk to.
Because nostalgia will only get you so far, fans soured on Goldberg for the same reason fans soured on Reigns and Cena: nobody likes an unbeatable hero. Annihilating Brock once was bad enough, but aside from a single F-5 on Raw and Paul Heyman's consistently brilliant mic work, Lesnar hasn't looked this weak since losing to Goldberg at Wrestlemania XX.
I don't want either of these men as Universal Champion. In fact, this match didn't need a championship at all to be interesting. You could've kept the Universal Championship on Owens and built that feud with Jericho up even bigger (after all, the whole idea was that Owens wouldn't have held that title for so long had it not been for Y2J). Lesnar vs. Goldberg is more about bragging rights than championships. You could argue that having these behemoths warring over the Universal title adds some prestige to the newly minted belt, but does it really?
Goldberg looks about as enthused as a sloth at Woodstock to be holding the top prize on Raw. Once you get past the entrance with the marching drums and the sparklers and the smoke and the pyro and the kicks and...*gasp*...and the...*huff*...all of the...
...give me a minute.
The point is you never hear Goldberg mention the fact that he's the Champion. You never hear him tell Brock he'll never get the belt. For his part, Brock is Brock and Heyman talks about how Brock is going to Brock you up at Brocklemania for the biggest payday in the Brockleverse.
And that's it. No talk of prestige or wanting the title to prove you're the best; it's the 2017 equivalent of two grumpy old men arguing over whose lawn is greener long after they've stopped watering it.
If Goldberg wins, Brock beating the Streak was all for naught. If Brock wins, we'll have to suffer through another six months of sporadic appearances and non-existent title defenses. Presumably whoever's left standing will face the Reigns who will obviously be in contention after vanquishing The Undertaker earlier in the night, but can anyone say they are really looking forward to that?
WHO WILL WIN: Brock Lesnar
WHO SHOULD WIN: Brock Lesnar
WWE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
WWE Champion Bray Wyatt vs. Randy Orton
I compiled this match list from WWE's Wrestlemania card as posted on their official website in ascending order and while this is the match at the apparent top, it's hard to imagine Goldberg vs. Lesnar won't finish the show. I'd expect to see Orton vs. Wyatt somewhere in the middle of the card, given that it hasn't received nearly as much fanfare as the Universal title match.
The story going in is...confusing. Orton won the Royal Rumble, guaranteeing himself a match for the WWE Championship at Wrestlemania. That's usually all we need to know when it comes to this type of match, but it gets much, much weirder.
Being, at the time, a member of the Wyatt Family, Orton deferred his championship match, refusing to do battle with his apparent master.
O...kay...I guess? It makes sense from a character standpoint, but it left many people wondering why WWE would book Orton to win the Rumble if not to follow through with the title match stipulation. From a reality standpoint, that's a slap in the face to the 29 other Superstars that would give their uncle's left testicle to be in the main event at WWE's Grandaddy of 'em All. But...fine. Okay. We'll go with it.
A sort of mini-Rumble battle royal was hastily booked on Smackdown to determine a new #1 Contender and it was won by...well...it was won by AJ Styles, despite WWE wanting us all to believe it was a dead tie between the Phenomenal One and Wyatt's version of Judas Iscariot, Luke Harper. The alleged tie called for a one-on-one follow-up match that ended with Styles beating Harper and cementing himself as the rightful contender to Bray's title.
So the 'Mania main event is set, right? Right?!
Wrong.
Just as it seemed we'd see AJ Styles walk into the biggest match on the biggest stage of his career, who should turn up but that pesky Viper, Randy Orton, insisting now that he's had a change of heart and would very much like to fulfill his obligations as Royal Rumble winner and face Wyatt at Wrestlemania.
Long story short, Orton beats AJ in yet another qualifying match, leaving Styles to feud with Shane McMahon while Orton sets his sights on WWE gold and Wrestlemania glory.
I'm not really sure what the point of the swerve was. Why would Orton refuse a title match, only to later accept? Even if you wanted to play it out that Orton was going to be a good follower and let Wyatt beat him at Wrestlemania only to change his mind during the match, why would Orton simply throw away the opportunity to appear at WWE's grandest spectacle if his plan the entire time was to do so anyway?
I guess this should harken back to classic double-cross feuds like Triple H and Batista for Wrestlemania 21, but the difference there is that we got to see the slow burn of Batista's frustrations with Triple H's ego and the implosion of Evolution. With Orton vs. Bray, Mr. RKO simply disappeared for a couple of weeks without warning and then reappeared just as Styles had claimed his spot against Wyatt. It was never played up that Orton was frustrated with Bray. We never saw him lurking backstage, eavesdropping on Bray's conversations, and mischievously winking at the camera unbeknownst to the Eater of Worlds. He just shows up like a child who was bored until he saw you playing with his favorite toy.
And if that wasn't confusing enough, Orton shows up on the Titantron sitting in Wyatt's familiar rocking chair in the middle of a shack that's purported to be the resting place of Sister Abigail's remains. I'll just...let that sink in.
He's sitting in a cabin in the woods...that was apparently built...over a dead woman's grave.
Wrestling.
So the next thing you expect is that Orton's going to reveal that Sister Abigail is not dead, that the remains under the house are gone, and that Orton is bringing Abigail to Wrestlemania to help him conquer his former master.
Well, no. That's absurd. This is wrestling, after all.
Orton just burns it down. Just burns the house down. I mean, I know this is wrestling and we're supposed to "buy in", but there are obviously people around, right? You can clearly see the spotlights from cameras reflecting off him as he's standing outside a structure he's just doused with gasoline. Nobody tries to stop him and tell him that this sort of thing is illegal in most parts of the free world. He just burns it down and allows himself to be filmed while doing it. Meanwhile, Bray has a nervous breakdown in the ring as he watches.
I will say that it was very cool seeing Bray in a vulnerable place. No longer the laughing, calculating, charismatic evangelist, he became something of a broken man (sorry, Matt Hardy), rocking in the fetal position with visible tears streaming down his face. This is why promos like John Cena's against The Miz are way less interesting than this preposterous prank: when the audience is led to believe that this once invulnerable man can now be harmed, the stakes get raised.
I want to tell you what happened next, but frankly, I'm not really clear on what went down. Bray returned to the scene of the crime and proceeded to cover himself in the ashes of Sister Abigail, suggesting that he became more powerful by doing so. Then he cloned Erick Rowan and had a small army of men in sheep masks attack and restrain Orton backstage while Wyatt waved around something that looked vaguely like a Crayola crucifix. Finally, Randy got a crucifix of his own (one with the crayon sharpener built in the back) and cast some kind of curse on the sacred ground of Sister Abigail's grave and that...did...something...I think...I'm not sure. I don't know. I'm don't think even WWE knows what's going on at this point aside from the fact that this all has to do with having a wrestling match on Sunday.
Okay, so one of these guys has to walk out with the belt, and I really want it to be Bray. Orton's done it all in WWE; the guy's a 12-time World Champion and I don't see that legacy getting better or worse based on what happens here. Bray, on the other hand, has risen up time and again just to get squashed by the Cenation, the Ambrose Asylum, and the Reigns Train. That last one's not an official WWE moniker, but that's what we're calling it because the "Roman Empire" makes me want to puke a coliseum. Going over on at least one of WWE's top stars could ensure he doesn't disappear from the title picture anytime soon, although I hope that picture becomes a lot less Evil Dead-sy going forward.
WHO WILL WIN: Bray Wyatt
WHO SHOULD WIN: Bray Wyatt
WHO WILL WIN: Bray Wyatt
WHO SHOULD WIN: Bray Wyatt
Closing Thoughts
Wrestlemania 33 marks the 30 years since the event that put Wrestlemania on the mainstream map, but I'm not sure we'll be looking back on this year's annual extravaganza with the same heartwarming nostalgia. There are some great matches in store, but I'm not sure any have the potential to be the next Savage/Steamboat. There are some spectacles on the table, but I doubt they'll be as epic as Hogan slamming Andre.
If nothing else, Wrestlemania 33 can be looked at as a tribute to lost opportunities. From prematurely pulling the trigger on Bayley's title reign to the debacle that has been some of the main event storylines, it's hard to be emotionally invested when looming over your shoulder is the specter of what might have been.
Then there's the glaring omissions. Why is the Smackdown Tag Team Championship not on the line this year? You just had the Usos beat American Alpha for the gold and now you're leaving them completely off the card? For shame, WWE. For shame.
There's the rumors that the master of the Broken Universe, Matt Hardy, may return to WWE with Brother Nero in tow, but considering the two are your current Ring of Honor Tag Team Champions and have a ladder match for the titles versus the Young Bucks 24 hours prior, I doubt we'll see that quick of a turnaround.
There's the rumors that the master of the Broken Universe, Matt Hardy, may return to WWE with Brother Nero in tow, but considering the two are your current Ring of Honor Tag Team Champions and have a ladder match for the titles versus the Young Bucks 24 hours prior, I doubt we'll see that quick of a turnaround.
My hopes for Wrestlemania 33 are the same as my hopes for the last several Wrestlemanias: that success here will allow WWE to push their new generation of stars so we can unchain ourselves from the wrestlers of days gone by. There's potential for us to look back on this show as the break-out moment for many performers, but only if WWE follows through. Until then, those Wrestlemania moments are just that: a moment.
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