A Very Reluctant RAW

It's funny how WWE seems to be contradicting themselves lately. In the midst of what is clearly a very positive "youth movement" in the company, veterans like Triple H, HBK, JBL, and Batista remain at the forefront. Even recent World Champion C.M. Punk seems to have been demoted to mid-card status once again, now stuck on the same rung as rising stars such as Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne. Nevertheless, this is a very positive direction for the company that fans are clearly supportive of.

The show opened with Batista going one on one with Santino Marella. There is no denying Marella's charisma, so I wonder why he is being mowed down by the rather stiff and stale "Animal". I actually look forward to seeing the Honk-a-meter every week! I'm not sure if that's a comment on WWE's lack of creativity, or a testament to Santino's entertainment value, but either way, it gets me to tune in.

One thing I am tired of is Batista's smile. Even as Santino clearly insults "The Animal"'s brain power, Dave stands in the ring, grinning at the man he is about to squash. The man is cutting a promo and Batista is laughing at him. One thing that I agree wholeheartedly on is something Mick Foley wrote: you should ALWAYS react to your opponent's promos against you. If you laugh at the promo, you laugh at the man, which makes it harder for that man to sell tickets. I know Santino is there for comic relief, but it makes Dave look stupid, too. "Look at him laughing at himself! Ha, ha! What an idiot!" Then he goes and squashes Marella (who is STILL Intercontinental Champion) and all of a sudden we're supposed to believe Dave is some kind of bad-ass who takes pleasure in beating people up. He's not angry. He just gets off on it. Wow. That will sell tickets.

The Miz beat JTG in a one-on-one match. This was pretty entertaining. Again, a good sign of pumping fresh blood into the company. Miz has come a long way, and I will admit that he is more entertaining than I could ever have given him credit for when he started over on Smackdown! with his "Red Rooster" haircut and terrible "Reality Check" gimmick (though his finisher still bears that name...) The only flaw in this match was the finish. Morrison distracts JTG, only to be tripped up by Shad on the ring apron. Despite the clean-up by Shad, JTG REMAINS distracted long enough for Miz to pick up the win. What is the point of having your partner there breaking up distractions if you're going to be distracted anyway? Silly finish altogether, though the match was a fairly entertaining bout.

I'm not sure what WWE expects us to think of Jamie Noble. Wrestling fans don't tune in so they can root for the heartbroken redneck who can't nab the girl that's WAY out of his league. They ARE the heartbroken rednecks who can't nab the girl because she's WAY out of their league. That's what makes them angry. That's what makes them watch wrestling! They don't want to play the violin, they want vengeance, damnit! Cold, hard, remorseless vengeance. Having Jamie job to the couple of the week is not going to win him any fans or cause people to tune in. If he turned out to be some "love crusader", defeating his opponents in the name of "true love", that might help. Sure it'd be just as terrible, but it might help him get over.

Anyway, Jamie proves that he can at least have lady friends in a very platonic sense because he manages to get the lovely and talented Mickie James as his tag team partner against Paul and Katie Lea Burchill. This was a descent intergender match (which means the guys CAN wrestle the girls and vice versa). Jamie picks up a nice win that he can throw in the face of William Regal and his eye candy, Layla who are conveniently positioned at the top of the ramp to confuse everyone because they didn't even interfere in the match so why the hell are they out there and why is there no payoff at "No Mercy" for this angle? Regal is the 2008 King of the Ring, but what does that mean? He promised to take the WWE by storm with his newfound power as "King", yet he just sits there in an oversized armchair and watches his rivals gain momentum heading into some unforeseen conclusion to an angle that has already gone on way too long.

On the bright (or dark) side of things is Kane.

Yes, Kane.

This guy is great.

You see, anyone who wants to know how to properly build a monster should take a look at what Kane is doing right now. Not tomorrow, not ten years ago, right now. Kane has squashed opponents of all sizes including Rey Mysterio and Kofi Kingston. Now he gets to be in what can only be described as a buffet of destruction in an 8-man tag team match. Despite being partnered with the World Tag Team Champions, "Priceless": Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase Jr., and their friendly neighborhood Samoan, Muna, Kane dominates this match from beginning to end.

The match is not without credit as the opposing team of Rey Mysterio, Evan Bourne, Kofi Kingston, and C.M. Punk put on an excellent showing. Evan Bourne is a huge reason to tune in to ECW on SciFi, and he proves it here with spot after spot of some of the most exciting action in YEARS. That's right, YEARS. That includes Rey Mysterio and Jeff Hardy. This young man is, if you'll pardon the pun, TOTAL NONSTOP ACTION. Kofi Kingston is another rapidly rising star that possesses a fluidity in the ring I've not seen in WWE in a long time. Great show by the youth in this match, and arguably, the most exciting of the night as the face team pulls off spot after spot to both begin and close the match.

There are a couple of downsides to this match. The first is that C.M. Punk is back down to mid-card status. That's disappointing as it's clear he's someone the fans WANT to get behind again. Despite mentions of retribution against Randy Orton, "Priceless", and Muna for costing him his World Heavyweight Championship at Unforgiven, Punk remains here where he spent most of the match getting worked over by those very men. That is the other downside. The methodical dissection of Punk went on way too long. Every member of the heel team got to work over Punk's leg at least once, which took up much of the middle segment of the match. The only part that drew heat was when Kane knocked Mysterio off the apron just as Punk looked like he was about to make a tag to escape a grip that had already held him much too long. Nevertheless, a terrific showing by Kane as he catches Kofi Kingston in the air and chokeslams him with authority to get the win. Kane has a lot of momentum riding on him now. I love that they allow the other wrestlers to be afraid even to talk to him backstage. That does a lot when it's not ridiculous.

The problem with most monsters, such as The "Great" Khali, is that they spend most of their time beating up guys a fraction of their size. Kane has beat up everyone from 190 lb. Rey Mysterio to 225 lb. Kofi Kingston, to C.M. Punk. Granted these men are all smaller than "The Big Red Machine", but not so small that we can't imagine one of them picking up a victory. This gives so much credit to Kane's character, and he is one of the few monsters besides Umaga who seem to have a very real power in the ring. I just hope the match at No Mercy doesn't blow it all to pieces.

The entire segment with Adamle was ridiculous. Orton's interruption was pointless. JBL's interruption was almost insufferable. Batista saved us all by spearing JBL, which felt a bit too de ja vu, but then spoiled it again by picking up the microphone. He walked away with that stupid grin of his. Damnit, get angry, Batista! No one wants to see a laughing contest as you beat your opponent senseless!

I'm glad to see development in the Women's division. I know Kelly Kelly is no Trish Stratus, but all these women have grown tremendously since their debut. Candice has worked especially hard to become one of the better competitors in her division, and I think she has set a great example for those who want to follow her. Beth Phoenix has made a great Women's Champion, holding the title with true dignity. Candice sends a mixed, but overall positive message. She is still eye candy, but it's clear she is no Barbie doll. She's no Awesome Kong or Lita, but she is as close to a "women's wrestler" as we'll probably see for some time.

In any case, "The Glamazon" picked up the win with help from tag team partner Jillian Hall against Kelly Kelly and Candice Michelle. Great finish by Beth Phoenix to contort herself back to her feet from a roll up while holding Kelly in a "chicken-wing" slam position. That looked truly devastating, you could hear the crowd "oh" at the impact. I look forward to seeing her defend her title Sunday against Candice. I know they will put together a good match.

The problem with Women's matches, more often than not, is their placement on the card moreso than the talent involved. The crowd began to chant "we want puppies" a third of the way in, and that had a lot to do with how the program was structured. Lita makes a terrific point of this in her book in which she talks about her first Wrestlemania (Wrestlemania X8) in which her triple threat match against Trish Stratus and Jaqueline was received with dead silence. Not because it was awful (anyone who watches the match can appreciate it), but because it was placed directly after the epic confrontation between Hulk Hogan and The Rock.

The same holds true here. You cannot expect a good reaction from impatient fans living in an ADD culture when you place the match between an all-star brawl and your main event. The crowd gets bored very quickly and I often wonder of the effect this has on the participants as far as their morale is concerned. No wonder the turnover rate for divas has skyrocketed in recent years: they're rarely given a true chance to shine.

I know I've been complaining about Batista's smile all night, but I couldn't help but laugh at the "Great Charli". This was one of the funnier segments I've seen in a while, and it even turned into a pretty entertaining, albeit short, bout. The followup by having The Great Khali confront Haas was classic, as it was clear to everyone Khali was struggling to keep from laughing along with the rest of us. This is a great example of how comedy SHOULD be used in wrestling. We got a descent match out of it, and few words needed to be spoken. Very simple, very funny. Very entertaining.

I can understand it is hard to get fans to watch new faces if they don't know anything about them. I understand that ECW is sort of a "training grounds" for future RAW and Smackdown! stars. But has it really come to this? Rather than airing some sort of promotional video, rather than educating the fans or preparing them for the arrival of a new star, the only way WWE can think to get a young man over is to have him shake hands with EVERYONE backstage?

This is a terrible concept. Whoever thought of this should be shot. I don't care if it WAS Vince McMahon. Boom. Dead.

The biggest issue with getting this talent over is the lack of territories. In the old days you got your stars from rival territories. These stars came with baggage, came with a legacy. You could talk about where they'd been, what they'd done. You may even have been lucky enough to have seen a match or two. Nowadays, WWE must fabricate resume's so that people will watch. I understand that is a difficult task, but if you've got a room full of writers at your command, it shouldn't be THAT difficult. I guarantee you this young man will be back in FCW by the end of 2008, not for his lack of talent, but for his lack of anything to work with.

Finally there is the main event: World Heavyweight Champion Chris Jericho and Lance Cade vs. "The Heartbreak Kid' Shawn Michaels and a partner of his choosing.

I guess I should've known who would be picked. I guess I should've seen it coming a mile away. But I try to think "outside the box". I tried to be optimistic.

This was a great opportunity to get some other young man in the action. This was a great chance to give someone a push closer to main event status. What could be more impressive than being hand-picked by HBK himself? I thought maybe Matt Hardy in anticipation for the "Night of Champions" this Friday on Smackdown! I thought maybe someone new, someone old, someone that would be pulled out of thin air and surprise everyone in the world.

Instead WWE took the safe route and reunited D-Generation X.

Now, I'm not complaining. I love DX. Even when they reunited in 2006 to shamelessly plug their merchandise on live TV, I felt like a little kid eating up some candy I hadn't tasted in a long time. But DX got stale after a while. The vignettes got less funny and more predictable. The match structre got reptitive.

Tonight I thought would be different. Tonight the roles would be reversed. You see, tonight they had to put Shawn over. Typical DX match structure dictates that Shawn will start the match strong, get beaten down, and tag in Triple H to save the day. "The Game" would burst in and squash everyone, leaving HBK just enough time to land a superkick so Trips can hit the Pedigree for the win. Insert some crotch chops in the mix, let it cool for 15 minutes, and you have yourself a good old-fashioned D-Generation X tag team match. Seriously. It doesn't matter who the opponents are. The Spirit Squad? Crotch. Kick. Game. The McMahons? Crotch. Kick. Game. Chris Jericho and Lance Cade? Crotch. Kick. You know.

Anyway, I really thought this would be different because they wouldn't let the 1 Contender for the World Heavyweight Championship limp around the ring like a wounded animal. That would make Shawn look weak and helpless and Triple H would have to come and save the day again, making it look like Shawn was nothing without his companion who, by the way, is WWE Champion.

The match starts with Shawn looking strong. Triple gets his shots in, too. DX is rolling. Triple H lets Y2J get a couple of shots in, but overall pummels the champion. This looks terrible for both RAW and for Jericho. If Y2J is the top of RAW's ladder, then how come this guy from Smackdown! can walk all over him while HBK struggles to beat him?

Then HBK comes in and starts selling like a preacher. He gets battered and busted by Jericho and Cade until he's crawling toward "The Game". Upon receiving the tag, the "Cerebrial Assassin" proceeds to anihilate anything that moves: the same guys that just beat the hell out of RAW's 1 Contender. What was Shawn struggling for anyway? These guys are obviously pushovers! Just look at the way Smackdown!'s champion mows them over.

Finally, the match ends in DQ because clean finishes are SO 1995. DX wins, of course as Jericho and Cade double-team...you guessed it: the 1 Contender, Shawn Michaels! Again, Trippy has to come in, this time with his friend, Sledge, to save Shawn's rear. Finally Shawn hits Cade with that Superkick we've heard so much about and that leads to the Pedigree that kills hopes and dreams.

Cade is prone. HBK is tired. Triple H is angry. He's always angry. I wonder what he's like at birthday parties? Probably angry when it's not his birthday.

Anyway, the "King of Kings" (one of the few Biblical references in wrestling that managed to escape worldwide controversy) grabs a ladder and sets it up for Shawn...in the corner.

That's right. Shawn can't get up the ladder without climbing the trunbuckle. He then gives a mild DX chop to Jericho (because the world would hate to see a REAL Christian thrust his pelvis...) and splashes onto Cade. HBK then writhes in pain either from his ribs or his arm. Either way, as we go off the air, it's "The Game" that's standing there, staring down Jericho while Y2J's opponent for Sunday leans on the ropes for support as he recuperates from his mighty feat of gravity-defying proportions.

Way to put over your 1 Contender, guys. Way to go.

Now I remember why I liked having Triple H on Smackdown!

The thing is, we all know HBK is gonna lose on Sunday. The man is injured and can't possibly hold a championship in his condition. He'll get beat and take a few months off to recover. So there you go. Sorry, but there's the spoiler. Hey, you should thank me! I just saved you $39.95 ($49.95 if you've got HD)!

I guess I shouldn't be too hard on the product. After all, this is only slightly better than what we were watching a few weeks ago when RAW drew a 2.6 rating.

That's right. 2.6.

You'd think that would be the red flag that sent up alarms all over Connecticut. You'd think that would be the match that lit the fire under Titan Tower. You'd think Vince would listen to what the fans want and actually start GIVING it to them before they turn his product off completely.

Of course, if you're thinking that, you're clearly out of touch with WWE.