As discussed in my previous blog entry, Monday, January 4 rekindled the spark of the Monday Night Wars in professional wrestling when WWE Raw and TNA iMPACT ran head to head on prime time cable television. My last entry discussed the quality of WWE's product as showcased that night. Thus, this article will discuss what TNA featured on their programming in their attempt to knock WWE off of their ratings throne.
Let me first start by saying that the night in question was much more important to TNA than it was to WWE. WWE essentially had nothing to fear from a company that is not even a decade old and with a fraction of WWE's budget. This was never more apparent than when TNA announced a three-hour spectacular to christen this new war.
I will also say that I watched TNA regularly for about a year from 2008 to early 2009. Then my DVR quit and I never got around to rescheduling it to tape iMPACT, so while I'm familiar with
most of the talent, I'm pretty blank on what is going in angle-wise. This is an advantage, however, since I can look at this without the same bias I have for WWE Raw, which I rarely miss.
TNA also had the advantage of starting at 8:00 p.m., which gave them an hour to rope in as many wrestling fans as possible and give them as many reasons as they could
not to change the channel. So I will break down TNA's program into three segments: one for each hour of programming.
HOUR 1: 8:00 p.m. - 9:00 p.m.
Let me start off by saying that the atmosphere in TNA throughout the night was amazing, and is the kind of atmosphere that WWE would kill for every week. TNA went outside to the waiting crowd and interviewed their audience before the show even started and you could feel the energy in each fan. A lot of them talked smack to Vince McMahon and WWE in general, which I personally don't agree with, but that is beside the point.
STEEL ASSYLUM MATCH: Motor City Machine Guns vs. Kioshi vs. Homicide vs. Jay Lethal vs. Consequences Creed vs. Suicide vs. Amazing Red
I had a few problems with this match, but the idea of having one of your most unique gimmick matches as an opener, especially for new fans, is a good idea. Unfortunately, whenever you have that many people in the ring, eventually the whole thing gets dragged down as the wrestlers try to figure out exactly how to keep the spotlight on the two main men in the ring while not looking like they're bored out of their minds.
The battle with Machismo and Shelley on the cage was anti-climactic as eventually, they just kind of fell back to the canvas. The action was fast-paced, but perhaps so much so that no one could really keep up with what was going on.
Which brings me to my next point.
The structure of this cage is AWFUL. Just AWFUL. I mean, let's look at classic steel cage matches from WWE and WCW and you will see that even the old school cages were not nearly as involved as this. Making it red was the worst idea ever because red has a tendency to override everything else in the picture. The bars are much too many and too thick, which means that even if your cameraman is doing his job right, he has to cross his fingers and hope there is enough open space between the bars to get the shot he's looking for. There is a reason WWE uses mesh on it's cages: it is easy to see through yet it still looks like you can't get out and it will hurt if you slam someone into it.
Also, the dome at the top did nothing but slow this match down. Trying to climb up and through it seemed especially difficult for anyone involved. It's a shame, because the rest of the match was so nicely paced, but in the end, it lead to a dead stand-still.
Speaking of the end of the match, TNA shot itself in the foot...no, in the
face when it let this match end in disqualification. Fans of WWE have been complaining for years at the number of matches that end in DQ, so TNA offers fans a chance at something different by...pulling the exact same stunt. Fans chanting "This is bullshit" after your opening match on the biggest show in your company's history is
never a good sign. At the end, Homicide tried in vain to get through the top of the cage, but clearly had too difficult a time. Also, why didn't they open the cage when the match was over? Watching Homicide struggle on the structure was a waste of about two minutes, but it all works out I suppose because the only thing people will remember is:
Jeff Hardy showing up in TNA. Out of nowhere some music hits and we see Jeff making his way through the crowd. He's high-fiving everyone in sight, gets over the barricade, and over to the ringside area before being attacked by Homicide. Jeff then beats the crap out of him before scaling the cage from the outside, a feat much easier than the interior scaling his downed adversary attempted earlier. The segment ended with Jeff sitting prominently atop the steel.
I can understand Jeff's move here, but I fear he may have burned a rather valuable bridge with Vince McMahon now that he has openly chosen to sign with the rival organization. Still, Jeff has done what is best for Jeff, and that is all that matters, and his presence can only help TNA as he draws money and fans wherever he goes.
TNA also still suffers from what I like to call Instant Replay Syndrome. This is when a program insists on replaying events over and over again despite the fact that we've already seen them. I mentioned this also in my WWE Raw review. I understand that you want people who are just tuning to see what they've missed so that they'll never make that mistake again, but for people who were already tuned in, it comes off as shoving your product down my throat and eventually the initial shock and awe fades into becoming "Okay, okay! I know!"
The crowd is still rocked by Jeff's arrival when he makes his way backstage and is greeted by Shannon Moore. This would've been a great moment if we could
hear what the hell they were SAYING! Instead we're stuck listening to Mike Tennay and Tazz spout off about how great it is to have Jeff in TNA. WE KNOW! NOW LET US EXPERIENCE JEFF HERE IN TNA!
Unfortunately this moment is almost instantly overshadowed by Hulk Hogan who is seen riding in his limo to the arena...with a police escort.
Really? A police escort? Since when do wrestlers need police escorts? Of course, I need to remember that Hogan is not here to wrestle. I mean, Vince McMahon receiving a police escort makes sense because he's the boss and he's worth a billion dollars. I suppose I need to start thinking of Hogan as the boss and not simply as a face there to boost ratings and sell t-shirts.
From a business standpoint, I suppose watching Hulk make his way to the arena is the same as watching a plane land at an airport: the anticipation builds dramatically. Unfortunately, for the home audience, we all knew Hulk would be there, and teasing us does nothing really to build that anticipation. It just annoys me because he should already be there. What kind of boss misses this kind of premiere event by an HOUR? He's the kind of boss that switches jobs on a regular basis.
I don't know why, but I really liked Kevin Nash's promo. It wasn't about energy, it was simply a man talking to the camera. It was a long way off from the strict, wooden, scripted promos of WWE. After a few minutes of recounting his friendship with the Hulkster, Nash reveals that Hogan won't be coming alone. This makes me wonder: will there be an nWo revival? Nash also mentions that whatever company Hogan has worked for has always been the biggest company in the industry. This would be true...if it weren't for the fact that he helped run WCW into the ground.
And with the realization that Hulk is bringing some friends, we get our first real wiff of another epidemic in wrestling, and particularly TNA: the WCW virus.
TNA KNOCKOUTS CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: TNA Knockouts Champion Tara vs. ODB
It was great to see Tara (formerly Victoria in WWE). Seeing her here really felt refreshing. She looks to be in amazing shape and hasn't missed a beat.
Obviously, the selling point of TNA's Knockout Division is that they don't simply hire supermodels to wrestle. The women look real and the wrestling is much more dynamic than WWE's brand. ODB is the epitome of this division: a female version of Steve Austin, coming out complete with flask. I've never been a fan of ODB as I think her gimmick is a bit forced, but it certainly catches everyone's attention and sets TNA apart.
Unfortunately, women's wrestling is
still not as fluid as the men. You can see them setting up for moves way in advance, and with TNA's fast-paced action, it is harder for the women to keep up. That's not to say they aren't good at what they do: these are world-class athletes as good as, and sometimes better, than their WWE counterparts. Even Amy Dumas, formerly known as WWE's Lita, admitted in her book that women's wrestling just can't keep up with the guys. Part of this is because management is more protective of their female roster. Nevertheless, this is a strong showing here.
I didn't know TNA had a separate tag division for their Knockouts, and to this I ask, "Is your roster really big enough for that?" I tend to think not.
There really was no clear face or heel. Both women have tremendous followings, and fans chanted for both throughout the match. ODB wins this match by grabbing Tara's tights in the schoolboy (or schoolgirl) roll-up, but oddly enough, no one says anything. Granted, it is difficult to reverse a referee's decision, but even the announcers, after sighting that ODB grabbed the tights, don't dispute the win, but merely accept the fact that ODB is the new Knockouts Champion. Odd, to say the least.
Tara gets revenge here by knocking out ODB and laying a scorpion on her chest. This reminds me, and probably a lot of other fans, of Jake "The Snake" Roberts back in the day, but it was great to see a woman put out that kind of message. Very strong, very scary.
Again, this is overshadowed by a classic "bait and switch" of Hogan's arrival. A limo pulls up, but it's not Hogan. It's someone else.
It's Ric Flair!
Flair gets out of the limo to a cascade of "Woo!"'s from the crowd. He quickly makes his way toward the locker room of TNA World Heavyweight Champion A.J. Styles.
Having Flair there was a great moment, and a colossal achievement for TNA, but it came with that used, WCW smell to it.
So we find Mick Foley, a man who once held great power in the company, banned from the arena. Now, here's the problem I have with this program in general:
TNA is trying to cultivate new fans, possibly ex-WWE purists, but they don't present their product in a way that is accessible to people who don't watch it every week. We hear some vague reference to Foley saying something to someone that was bad enough to get him banned from the iMPACT Zone. Hey...here's an idea: let's see a recap of what Foley said! Instead we are left wondering why this hardcore legend would be banned from this star-studded night: the "biggest night in company history". Also, the irony of Hogan ousting Foley from his position of power was not lost on me.
Bobby Lashely, yet another of TNA's ex-WWE stars, makes his way to the ring, still lacking all the charisma he did back in WWE. But this time he has something better with him: his wife. And, fortunately for Bobby, his wife does all the talking.
It's a bit sad that Mrs. Lashley seemed to possess infinitely more charisma than her husband. I wonder what that says about Lashley...or WWE...or TNA for that matter.
Anyway, apparently Lashley wants out of his contract, so he demands that Eric Bischoff cut the leash. There's no response at the time, so the Lashleys just leave the ring. Odd that Lashley picks the grandest stage in the company's history to LEAVE it. Another bit of irony there for those who were dying for more.
A former WWE star leaving TNA. Let's hope this isn't a trend.
The segments with the Beautiful People are barely worth mentioning. If you thought the "dumb blonde" stint that WWE's Maria played early in
her career was bad, it's hard to imagine how the Beautiful People can look themselves in the mirror. They decide to play strip poker for the night, which is insulting because we all know we won't get to see anything anyway, but we're supposed to stay tuned to see what happens.
Again, we're told Hogan is on his way.
NOTE TO TNA:
WE KNOW!
As if things weren't nostalgic enough, who should show up outside but Scott Hall and Sean Waltman (X-Pac). They want in, but of course, no one will let them in.
TNA then puts out the most useless segment of the night. We see Hulk's limo stop to meet another limo. Someone gets out of the waiting limo and into Hulk's. Hulk's limo then proceeds on it's way to the arena it should've been at 45 minutes ago.
This would all be intriguing, except Kevin Nash already told us Hulk wasn't coming alone. So now we know he's
really not coming alone. Excellent.
Scott Hall and X-Pac show up in the iMPACT Zone to remind us all of how they crashed Monday Nitro. Clearly TNA is taking a fresh, new direction.
And then TNA makes themselves look incredibly stupid. We come back from commercial so that Mike Tennay can tell you what will happen when we come back from commercial. So basically the past 3 segments (or about 10 precious minutes of your life in which you could've been lamenting about your favorite colored M&M) were wasted in preparation for Hulk Hogan's arrival. Clearly TNA is just wasting time to get to the head of the 9:00 hour so they can keep people from switching to Raw after they let their star attraction loose.
HOUR 2: 9:00 p.m. - 10:00 p.m.
This is it. This is for all the marbles. This is the moment where TNA hopes to plant its flag in the fertile ground of a new, more competitive professional wrestling market. This is where the landscape of the entire industry supposedly changes.
And it does. Unfortunately, this doesn’t feel so much like a step forward so much as an exercise in déjà vu.
This is both the most thrilling, and most ridiculous segment of the night.
At long last, “The Immortal” Hulk Hogan emerges onto the TNA stage, and makes his way into the iMPACT Zone.
The first thing I like about this is that Hogan comes out to a remixed version of the old nWo theme. This is instantly recognizable and 1,000 times more relevant than the throwback appeal of WWE’s “Real American” ballad.
I may not be a Hogan fan by nature, but his charisma is undeniable. The atmosphere is amazing, again, this is BIG. Hogan makes his Triple H-like 12-minute stroll down to the ring where we wait another five minutes before the chanting dies down. The announce team also makes the point that Hulk’s daughter Brooke is in the audience, which makes me worried that TNA will turn into “Hogan Knows Best 2.0”.
As you may have guessed, this segment quickly took a turn for the worse as far as I’m concerned. The nWo theme is relevant, but Hogan himself is dressed in black and white. So it’s kind of a slap in the face to all the fans who shelled out the $25 for the classic “Hulkamania” t-shirts. No red and yellow? Kind of kills the climax.
The Hogan says the stupidest thing he could possibly say:
“I’ve been in the back all day long.” Apparently Hulk has been talking to the talent all day about how big this night is.
Really? You’ve been in the back all day? Then maybe you could explain why it took you an HOUR to get to the arena? Maybe you could explain why we wasted about 20 minutes showing footage of your motorcade making their way to the show? This is just horrible work by TNA. It’s insulting to the fans to know that Hulk was there long before we’re meant to believe he was, and the inconsistency is just sloppy.
Hulk continues to talk himself into a hole, and it’s clear what his aim is here in TNA. Example:
“There’s a lot of old faces in the back that are ready to gear up.
Wow. That sounds like exactly what TNA needs: more has-beens to crowd a roster already chock full of veterans. Is this really the “fresh” new direction TNA is looking for? Is this a rebirth, or a throwback? They can’t seem to decide just yet.
Now we see Hall and Pac trying to get to the ring to confront Hogan. We’re supposed to think that they are “invading” the show, but judging by the fact that we saw them outside fighting with security, we know this is a work. WWE did a much better job when Matt Hardy “invaded” Monday Night Raw to attack Edge. Not to mention WCW did a much better job when Hall and Nash invaded their show over a decade ago.
Hogan tells security to let them in. Now we KNOW it’s a work, because who would let anyone into a show who wasn’t supposed to be there? No one. I don’t care how well you know them, the risks you take by putting them in a position to ruin your product (I mean, they HAND Scott Hall a microphone) far outweighs the trust garnered by any friendship, past or present.
So they’re in the ring now. The fans are electric. The energy is at its highest. We’re not sure if they’re here to join Hogan or ally against him. They’re cheering, they’re chanting. This goes on for a while. Then Hogan repeats his offer to let Hall and Pac say whatever it is they have to say, though he doesn’t seemed too thrilled to see them. The chanting continues, and we suddenly get the feeling that the only person missing from this picture is Kevin Nash. Then Hall puts the mic to his lips and spits:
“Say hello to the bad guy.”
Um, “Hello, Bad Guy. Now WHAT DO YOU WANT?”
I realize this is Hall’s catchphrase and everything, but COME ON! All this anticipation and that’s the best you’ve got? We all know who you are. Now WHY ARE YOU HERE?
So the bottom line is that Hall and Pac think this is going to be easy money, like in WCW. They’re going to make a killing burying the young talent and reclaiming the spotlight they lost years ago when WCW went under. Of course, this is one of the primary reasons WCW DID go under. Hogan then assures Hall and Pac that “This is a different time.”
WELL, DAMNIT! I WANTED AN nWo REUNION!
Sean Waltman then makes the most relevant point when he tells Hogan he sees right through this. It’s the same place, and the same people, and h e doubts things will be different.
That is the most intelligent thing I’ve EVER heard out of Sean Waltman, and at this point, I couldn’t agree more.
Hogan assures us all that “It’s gonna be totally different this time.” He then goes on to tell us how the new TNA will operate, how spots will not be handed out, and how everyone will have to earn their spot in the company. Hall and Pac continue to voice their doubts and their hopes, while Hogan counters.
Does this sound like an infomercial to anyone else?
“It’s time we grow up and we do the right thing for the business, brother.” Hogan is basically telling Hall and Pac that if they stay with TNA they will most likely be jobbing to the younger guys. But what about doing the right thing for the business? Is it the right thing for the business to bring in a bunch of your friends to take top billing from the TNA Originals?
Maybe I’m jumping the gun here. After all, we’ve wasted so much time talking that we haven’t actually seen any changes. Maybe these veterans didn’t want to be remembered as people who helped bury one of the biggest wrestling promotions in history. Maybe they wanted to reconcile their past transgressions and rewrite the last chapter of their careers with a brighter pen. Let’s go with that. It gives me hope in an atmosphere that is looking more and more hopeless by the minute.
Finally we hear the familiar riff and “Big Sexy” Kevin Nash strolls down to the ring. This is officially an nWo reunion. With all these stars in the ring, all with historic pasts in the industry, it was smart of TNA to save this for the 9:00-9:30 segment of the show. Unfortunately for TNA, this takes up pretty much ALL of the 9:00-9:30 segment.
On a complete sidenote, I love Waltman has about 3 different names. For those unfamiliar with him, Sean Waltman started in WCW as the 1-2-3 Kid. He was also most famously known as X-Pac through WWE’s Attitude Era. As a result, he is called “Sean”, “Kid”, or “Pac” interchangeably throughout a single conversation. This would seem cool if the use of past monikers didn’t scream “identity crisis”.
Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, Sean “Kid/Pac” Waltman, and Hulk Hogan are now standing in the middle of the ring, and you feel like it really is a sacred fraternity of brotherhood here. Their friendships go way back to before WCW. They are some of the longest-running veterans still actively employed in the business. The memories come flooding back. This is what TNA was looking for. This is why this night was so huge.
And then Kevin Nash breaks up the nostalgia by siding with Pac and Hall.
This makes no sense to me. Kevin Nash has been employed by TNA longer than anyone else in that ring. Sure the others have had brief stints, but Kevin Nash has been prominently featured in the company, from mentoring Samoa Joe, to main-eventing Pay-Per-View matches. If anything, Nash should be kissing TNA’s backside for everything they’ve given him. Instead he tells Hulk that he’s just looking for good money. He doesn’t really care how the company is run, but he doesn’t want to lose his spot in it.
Last but not least, Eric Bischoff makes his way into the iMPACT Zone.
Now, maybe this all makes sense to everyone else. Maybe for TNA this feels big and fresh and new. But in an hour and a half, TNA has gone from looking like Total Nonstop Action to becoming the carbon copy of World Championship Wrestling. With Nash, Hall, Pac, Hogan, and now Bischoff literally taking center stage in a promotion that pledged to give “young guys their shot”, this has officially become WCW 2.0.
Eric Bischoff is still bragging about beating WWE in the ratings some 86 weeks in a row back in the day. He talks about revolutionizing the business, changing the pro wrestling landscape, blah blah blah. There’s a reason none of this means anything anymore. Actually, there are two.
The first is that this happened about 10 years ago, when half the present audience could barely pronounce the wrestlers’ names. Sure, everyone remembers it. But it has zero, yes, ZERO impact (no pun intended) on the current product. When you’re WCW, you can brag about beating Raw in the ratings 86 weeks in a row. You’re not. Which brings me to the second reason.
After beating Raw in the ratings for those two or three months, Vince McMahon’s product kicked you so hard in the rear that you were forced to sell out. So now that little spot on your resume where you used to put “beat Raw 86 weeks in a row” should now read “ran WCW into the ground.” So really, Bischoff’s reputation isn’t so much about how he ran the company as it is about his on-screen personality, and for the current audience (anyone that’s been watching wrestling in the last five years), this reputation comes from his stint as General Manager of, yes, you guessed it, Monday Night Raw: the show that put him out of business.
Bischoff reminds us that in the “new” TNA, “Everybody has got to earn their position in this company.” For example: Hulk Hogan, Mick Foley, Kevin Nash, Eric Bischoff…
Oh, wait.
Generally, I like this policy. On paper it can be seen as a practice put in place to keep guys like Hogan, Nash, and Hall from overshadowing guys like A.J. Styles, Samoa Joe, or even Awesome Kong. Bischoff doesn’t care what your position in the company is: top management, the guys setting up the ring, a wrestler, a Knockout, an announcer, or a cameraman; you will be under the scrutiny of TNA’s new administration and your spot could be in jeopardy. This all makes sense to me. It’s very straight-forward, but after a while it starts to feel like Bisch is ramming this idea down our throats.
Also, why are you giving this lecture to the fans? Why is this speech being given in the iMPACT Zone instead of the locker room? Cooperate propaganda like this needs to be saved for management and employees. Why does it matter to fans how the wrestlers earn their spot? You think anyone really cares how “Stone Cold” Steve Austin became the biggest name in WWF history? You think anyone cares about the pecking order backstage?
When good, smart booking is involved, it is always crystal clear why wrestlers are used the way they are. It usually has to do with their talent and/or charisma. They are either strong workers who can carry themselves and others through a match, or they are weak performers who are used to get other wrestlers over. Fans either like them or they don’t. In either case, fans don’t need to be bothered with backstage politics. If we want to know about them, we will look it up online, on the TNA website, or wherever. It doesn’t need to be aired during your biggest show ever. It doesn’t need to be aired at all. I don’t care how people earn their spots, just show me a better product.
Of course, the irony of all this is that while he’s talking up the new TNA policy, Bischoff and Co. are basically telling us that WCW was a horribly run enterprise.
So after giving his rally speech, Bischoff says changes are happening right now. As in RIGHT NOW. He actually grabs a show format (the paper that says what matches/segments happen when) and tears it up in the middle of the ring. Wow. So I guess change means breaking kayfabe.
This makes me think that Bisch is at least going to give the illusion of improvisation, but he doesn’t. He actually pulls out a ready-made replacement format, announcing that this is what the show will be from this point forward. So all those matches you thought you were going to see, are gone. This is the new format, and that’s the power that Bischoff wields as part of his era of “change”.
Never mind the fact that Americans have been choking on for the past year or two. Let’s think about what Bischoff just did. He tore up the format smack dab in the middle of a live broadcast. For those of you who may not know, this is called “bait and switch”, when a company promises one thing (usually a match) and suddenly changes it at the last minute. Fans don’t like bait and switch, and using simply as a showmanship tactic is just poor business sense.
Speaking of poor business sense, Bischoff mentions he’d looked over the format beforehand and decided it needed some changes. Now, clearly Eric had already decided to implement those changes because he had a new format all printed out and ready to go. So, you knew the original format wasn’t good enough for your biggest show ever, but neglected to implement your changes until you were already half way through it? Again, this is insulting to me, and if I were to believe this was real, I would say that TNA runs its company horribly and probably wouldn’t watch much more of it.
Of course, Hogan gets the last word by asking us “Watchya gonna do when the new TNA runs wild on you…” or something like that. I wasn’t really listening because once he gets into the whole “Watchya gonna do” thing, I feel like I should be watching a commercial on a Saturday morning in 1986.
With that, the segment is FINALLY over. Unfortunately, despite what Tazz and Mike Tennay would have us believe, nothing has really changed in TNA. We’ve just spent the last 20 minutes talking about change, but we haven’t seen any. Bischoff promised us change “right now”, but we don’t know what the card was beforehand, so we can’t really tell if anything has changed at all. For all we know the format Bischoff handed back to management could’ve been a photocopy of the original format. But I guess as long as 90% of the fans believe change is in effect, who really cares about the other 10% that know better?
Finally, we get a shot of Sting up in the rafters and he’s apparently been watching this whole confrontation go down. Good for him. Must be nice and quiet up there. I mean, I guess we should feel some sense of foreboding, but honestly, I think Sting just likes it up there. No one bothers him when he’s hanging out over the ring, and no one ever seems to look for him there despite that fact that it’s his only hangout spot. And if they know he’s there, they obviously don’t care enough to have security chase him out of there. Still, the most exciting aspect of this shot is that Ric Flair and Sting are in the same building on the same wrestling show. That’s pretty awesome. I personally would rather have seen Sting and Flair talk for 20 minutes than put up with another 30 seconds of Dixie Carter’s…oops, I mean Hulk Hogan’s policies.
And now that all the hullabaloo is over, TNA reminds us that this is, in fact, a wrestling show by showcasing some actual WRESTLING.
TNA KNOCKOUTS TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions Taylor Wilde & Sarita vs. Awesome Kong & Hamada
It feels really good to get back to the wrestling side of the show. As the action starts, Mike Tennay laments that Kong’s team could be “the most dominant team in women’s professional wrestling.” Just a question, but how many women’s tag teams do you know?
Again, I haven’t watched TNA in almost a year, but I think Taylor Wilde looks and performs a lot better here with Sarita than she ever did as Knockout Champion. The two have some pretty good chemistry and feel like a team instead of just two people thrown together for the sake of creating a division and a title.
Unfortunately, the TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championship belts still look like something like I would’ve seen in 1975. Yes, TNA could be going for a more nostalgic appeal (they did have the NWA title to their name for years), but my feeling is that they’re trying to modernize the company and make it more contemporary. The same should hold true for the belts themselves. I mean, look at the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. It looks like something men would work their whole life to hold. All of WWE’s titles (except for the terrible Diva’s Championship) look prestigious. Even the modified WWE Title has grown on me now that it’s stopped spinning like someone hit the “Try Me” button in Toys R Us. The TNA World Heavyweight Championship should be the belt that all other belts evolve from.
Also, I think it goes to show you how important TNA holds its Knockout Division tag titles when they cut from the match to show Alex Shelley knocked out in the back by the Wolf Pack…oh…I mean, by an “unknown assailant”. TNA has been using the “cut-away” tactic for as long as I can remember, but it has never really worked for me, and by now, feels very tired. I realize they are trying to give their audience the “anywhere, anytime” feeling, but it is disrespectful in my opinion to the work being done in the ring. Wrestling should always be the focus of the show, not the background against which to paint your picture. Keep the focus on the wrestling and save the rest for the segments in between.
Again, the wrestling is very solid work. Is it just me, or do they keep calling Sarita Sarena? There’s a double-team on Sarita that does essentially nothing. Sometimes I think they just try to throw moves together long enough to make a match. Taylor Wilde comes in with a nice save for her team, and the fans start chanting “this is awesome”. I have to agree, it is.
The finish here by Kong’s team took way too long to set up in an otherwise fast-paced match. The problem with double-team moves is that they have to be implemented quickly, but have enough impact to finish of an opponent. Team 3D (formerly the Dudley Boys) did a great job of making the 3D finisher effortless in each match. Other notable teams are the Hardy Boys and of course, the Rockers for some of the best double-team moves in tag team history. Still, it gets the job done and Kong and Hamada walk away the new TNA Kockout Tag Team Champions.
Back with the Beautiful People, who should show up to this game of Strip Poker than Val Venis? Well, his name isn’t Val Venis, but I’m not sure he has a name because he never tells us what he wants to be called, and he’s never mentioned by the announcers. He simply cautions us not to get too hung up on names and begins shuffling. He does a lot of shuffling. He spends the next minute and a half just shuffling and talking to the girls in sentences packed with innuendo. The shock of Val (or whatever his name is) isn’t as strong as it could be because we’ve already seen Foley, Hall, and Pac invade TNA tonight, not to mention Ric Flair. This is either a case of a poor show format (which I thought Bischoff was supposed to fix) or just the fact that a former WWE mid-carder showing up in TNA isn’t really that big a deal. Either way, it feels kind of like a waste of time.
With the show half over, Mick Foley is still trying to get into the iMPACT Zone. And now, so are the Nasty Boys.
Yes. The Nasty Boys. As if Hulk hadn’t already brought enough “old faces” to TNA…
Speaking of has-beens, here’s our next match!
TAG TEAM MATCH: Raven & Dr. Stevie w/Dafney vs. “The Blueprint” Matt Morgan & Hernandez
Matt Morgan coming out in a cloak is preposterous. Is he trying to be Chris Masters? Who wants to be Chris Masters? What are you trying to hide?
Matt Morgan is the worst example of stereotypes in professional wrestling. In a culture constantly under the microscope for being nothing more than brainless muscle men pumped up on steroids, let’s present this “genetically jacked” star who’s gimmick is being, well, genetically jacked. He has none of the charisma or ferocity of a Bill Goldberg, and while he may be a great athlete for his size, there’s really nothing below the surface here. Is this really “The Blueprint” for your company? Then why is A.J. Styles your champion?
Also, any match in which the entrances take longer than the match itself, really isn’t worth my time here. Morgan gets a huge kick on Dr. Stevie. Raven tries to make it look like he’s trying to break up the three-count, just as Hernandez comes in to kind of look like he almost stopped him. No one’s really sure what’s going on, but Morgan’s team wins.
We then cut to some guy named “The Pope”. He’s giving a promo about himself, which every wrestler does early in their career. The difference is, I’m totally buying this. I like “The Pope.” No, I LOVE “The Pope.” In fact, The Pope reminds me of another wrestler who didn’t like to use his real name: The Rock. Yes, I said it. The Pope reminds me of The Rock. If he wrestles half as good as he talks, I just might have to start watching TNA again.
This promo is broken up by another new face in TNA: Orlando Jordan. Former WWE United States Champion and…well, that’s it, really. He walks around talking down to The Pope like Jordan’s been on top of some mountain, but then we remember that he spent most of his time as JBL’s bus boy, and we don’t care. Jordan says he’s got a meeting with Hulk Hogan, but again, no one really cares. Off he goes. Also, he’s walking around with a 5-Hour Energy drink in his hand, so nice product placement. Why does he need that for a meeting with Hulk?
ONE-ON-ONE MATCH: Desmond Wolfe vs. “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero
Both these men are tremendous young stars with bright and beautiful futures. They have tremendous ring-presence and feel like big-time athletes. This is the first time I have seen either of these men in action, and I must say I was very, very impressed.
Desmond Wolfe has a great technical style that contrasts well with The Pope’s quick, high-impact offense. The great thing about Wolfe’s moves is that they look genuinely painful. I love when announcers can look at a move and tell the audience that an arm was never meant to bend that way. That validates everything that is going on in the ring, and Wolfe and Dinero did a great job of selling all of it. I can’t wait to see these guys rise to the top of the ranks. I’m so much more interested in this match than any of what Hogan, Bischoff, Nash, or even Foley is doing. Why waste time with these men when we could be enjoying matches like this?
Dinero gets the win in a quick finish to a match that really could’ve gone either way.
After the match we see Jeff Jarrett is here in the iMPACT Zone. We assume he will be coming out to speak to the fans. Honestly, how many bosses do we need? We have Dixie Carter, Hulk Hogan, Eric Bischoff, Mick Foley, and now Jeff Jarrett? Who’s in charge of who? What’s the chain of command?
Meanwhile, Jeremy Borash is trying to get to the bottom of the assaults backstage, but he can’t, because Hulk Hogan’s good buddy Bubba “The Love Sponge” is going to take the mic from JB and do it for him. I sense a trend starting. I realize JB is just a backstage interviewer, but he’s a staple of TNA and to see him trampled by Hogan’s friend is just disrespectful both to Borash and the loyal TNA fans.
So now that we’re 2/3 of the way through the show, let’s replay the 20-minute confrontation between Hulk and everyone that took place, oh, half an hour ago. That should hold us over until the 10:00-11:00 hour.
We come back from that to hear Mike Tennay telling us how Bischoff and Hogan’s fingerprints are all over this edition of iMPACT. And this is good how, exactly?
With all the old faces showing up, it’s good to see A.J. Styles as Champion. Keep the Originals in the spotlight, and all else will fix itself in time. He’s just been told that the match from the upcoming Genesis Pay-Per-View, y’know, the one with A.J. Styles and Kurt Angle facing off for the World Championship, has been moved to tonight. So congratulations to TNA for giving away a heavily publicized PPV main event for free. Incidentally I seem to recall WCW doing that quite a few times, and look at how that turned out. They also keep talking about it like Kurt and A.J. have never faced off before, but I seem to remember a lengthy feud between the two centering around Kurt’s ex-wife Karen and her alleged affair with Styles. But y’know, I guess the fact that they’re still putting out the same main even almost two years later is just good business.
HOUR 2: 9:00 p.m. - 10:00 p.m.
So Jarrett comes out to a huge ovation. This is, after all, his baby. And it’s the biggest night in the history of his company. But by the time Jarrett comes out here, we’re tired of people talking. Honestly, they could’ve put all the talking segments into one hour that we could’ve skipped over. Between Hogan, Bischoff, Nash, Hall, Pac, and now Jarrett, we’ve wasted enough time talking about how big this night is GOING to be, we need to start MAKING IT BIG.
Jarrett starts talking about starting TNA and humble beginnings and I never dreamed it would be this huge and…hey, wait a minute…didn’t Jeff give the same speech a year or two ago when he came back to feud with Kurt Angle? Jeff also basically tells Hogan “I told you so” by implying that he wanted the Hulkster in TNA long ago, but “the timing just wasn’t right”. Jeff then touts, “I gave young guys a chance.”
Um…have you SEEN your roster lately?
He then talks about his great talent pool: TNA Tag Team Champions Beer Money, Samoa Joe, and World Champion A.J. Styles. Coincidentally, we haven’t seen any of those guys tonight thus far, save for a promo by Styles. Of course you’re going to talk up your talent, that’s your job.
Jarrett tantalizes us by telling us “You ain’t seen nothin’ yet.”
You’re right, we haven’t. You’re so busy talking we haven’t had a chance to see anything really new or fresh.
Then the most infuriating moment of the night shows up when Hogan appears on the big screen and threatens to have Jarrett escorted from HIS OWN SHOW. Hogan says Jarrett ran TNA into the ground. Really? Then how do you explain tonight? That aside, didn’t Hogan and Bischoff do that to WCW? What right does Hogan have?
Hogan, the star attraction, the whole reason this night is happening, is now getting booed. He then starts talking up Dixie Carter and how great she is for saving Jarrett’s company. It’s so clear Hogan has been brainwashed by his corporate handlers. Even die-hard fans began booing him. Hogan then tells Jarrett that he is under the microscope just like every other talent.
So now Jeff Jarrett, the founder of TNA, has to prove his worth in his own company?
This is the worst segment of the night, possibly in TNA history. It’s a slap in the face to Jeff Jarrett, and the fans who stood by him and his company for the past seven years. This is the type of garbage fans were afraid of, and the type of garbage that will drive them away in droves if it continues. Hogan should be thanking Jarrett for such a top tier position and having the power that he does. I realize it is Dixie Carter pulling the strings, but to treat Jarrett like he has no authority in a company he founded is basically giving the finger to Jeff and the loyal TNA fans who have been there from the beginning.
In an interview backstage, Christopher Daniels says his strength of character will shine through to upper management. Well, it would, if Mick Foley’s arrival inside the arena didn’t completely eclipse him.
Jeff Hardy is seen backstage with Shannon Moore who is watching Jeff…paint. Yes, paint, as in canvas, brush, etc. Wow. That is very extreme. Jeff is then surrounded by a throng of (three) female fans from age 8-15. Jeff gives his painting to the middle girl and even pecks her on the cheek before climbing into his stylish yellow sports car and blazing off into the sunset. So Jeff is an aesthetically-gifted pro wrestling pedophile. Awesome.
I guess the moment was kind of sweet and harmless, but we’re looking for Jeff Hardy the “Extreme Enigma” that we saw in WWE, not the calm “at peace with the world” Jeff Hardy that paints pictures in his locker room. How is that extreme?
ONE-ON-ONE MATCH: Abyss vs. Samoa Joe
Abyss comes out first. Why does everyone have to wear a hooded cloak these days? They used to be cool, but not we have Morgan, Abyss, and Styles all coming out with some hooded vestment or other. It just feels like someone was handing them out backstage one day and everyone decided they needed one. Abyss already has a mask; what does he need a cloak for?
It was originally promoted as Abyss vs. Rhino. But, as Mike Tennay said, “Hogan, Bischoff, you’ve done it again.” Yes, you squashed that nice and quick. Now we have Abyss vs. Joe. Not sure this is such a blockbuster change, but things stopped making sense a long time ago.
Joe finally has a real theme. I remember when it had no beat and no lyrics, it was just that same brooding low-key melody and some drums. Now it has a beat, it has lyrics, it has power. Thank God.
I’m still tired of Abyss. He reminds me too much of Mankind and there’s really not much that can be done with him that hasn’t already been done. He’s played every angle from the old Mick Foley/Cactus Jack masochist to an Undertaker-like dark, brooding mystery man with a twisted father. He needs to take the mask off or spice up his gimmick somehow. If she’s not going to be world champion, they need to find a spot for him. Right now he’s sort of a monster without a cause.
Joe has great momentum at the start, but one kick from Abyss sends Joe reeling. That’s a bit inconsistent. Abyss also chokeslams Joe, which makes Abyss look great, but why are we trying so hard to get Abyss over? There’s no real face or heel, so there’s no one to really root for, and no one really gains anything as a result of this match, so it falls a bit flat. Joe should be booed for using a chair on Abyss, but he’s not. Finally Abyss sort of taps out to Joe’s choke hold. I mean, I guess he tapped. He just kind of slammed his hand on the mat. Once. I was under the impression that a tap was a series of taps on the mat. Has anyone ever seen someone fight out of the Sharpshooter or the Kurt Angle’s Ankle Lock? The victim usually slams his hand down on the mat a couple of times to get some strength and resolve, then finds a way to get out of the hold. Abyss slams his hand down, and suddenly the match is over. I was a bit shocked at how quickly it ended.
Meanwhile, Alex Shelley finally wakes up backstage. Let me just say that if I ever woke up from being knocked out to find Bubba “The Love Sponge” standing over me jabbering on about it, I wouldn’t be very happy.
The Nasty Boys are still outside and security still won’t let them in. It’s ridiculous to think that two guys that Hogan invited to the show can’t get in. I mean, isn’t he in charge? Foley, Pac, and Hall I can understand because Foley was banned and the other two “weren’t supposed to be there”. But the Nasty Boys? Also, the idea that security has been tightened down and they’re not letting anyone in has been rammed down our throats all night long to the point where getting in seemed more like a game than a challenge. Nevertheless, Bubba “The Love Sponge”, who is suddenly outside the building, drapes an arm around the security guard and guides him away from the door while gesturing frantically behind his back for the Nasty Boys to head inside. Very smooth, Bubba, very smooth. Anyone who thinks this would work in real life should probably not be watching wrestling. Cheers to TNA for having the stupidest security guards in the world.
We get an interview with Kurt Angle. Apparently things have simmered down between him and A.J. since last I saw them fight and the two have found some mutual respect for each other, but honestly, where is Kurt’s gold medal? He’s wearing some kind of dog tag or something. I haven’t watched in a while, but since when does Kurt show up without his medals? I’m being nitpicky here, but it just seems odd to me, and on a night like this, I would think he’d want to be wearing them.
Also, it would’ve been smart of TNA to air a video package highlighting the past battles of Kurt and A.J. Once again, if you’re a new fan, you’re pretty much left in the dark, with some vague references to something that happened some time ago between the two. That’s engaging storytelling, right?
The Nasty Boys are in, and decide the best locker room for them would be a tag team locker room. So they invade Team 3D’s locker room (Brother Ray and D-Von are over in Japan) and spray paint their names all over it. I assume this will lead up to some kind of feud, but honestly, there’s nothing left for either team to do in the business, so there’s really no point.
With all that’s going on backstage, it’s hard to imagine why Ric Flair hasn’t said a thing since walking into A.J. Styles’ locker room.
And here’s your main event.
TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: TNA World Heavyweight Champion A.J. Styles vs. Kurt Angle
I like the little “tale of the tape” as both men make their way down the ramp. It’s not much, but it’s a nice touch and helps give it that “big match” feel. We hear something about how Kurt feuded with Desmond Wolfe, which makes me wonder why he isn’t higher up the ladder or why we didn’t hear about it during Wolfe’s match with Dinero. Again, you need to hook the new fans and it helps to tie things together for them. If they can connect the dots with wrestlers, they have a history to follow, they get to know them better. Just referencing things in passing isn’t going to do it.
I will also admit that A.J. Styles is still my favorite wrestler in the locker room. He has charisma, he has a reputation, he has a history, and he’s one of the best in the world today. I was proud to see him as Champion on a night like this. The roof is ready to come off this place before the two even lock up. The crowd is split with no clear face or heel. These guys are great, and the fans just want some great wrestling. A.J. is attacked by a masked man during the match, whom Kurt promptly throws out of the ring. Kurt then helps A.J. to his feet in a nice show of respect and waits a moment for Styles to get his bearings before the match continues.
We come back from commercial to hear what a “wrestling classic” this is. The “wrestling classic” is then cut off by yet another set of commercials.
These two really do dance extremely well together. They have tremendous chemistry that reminds me of The Rock vs. Austin and HBK vs. Bret. They read each other perfectly, and I never saw them miss a beat the entire match. Also it should be noted that this match started around 10:30, not like the WWE main events that start at 10:50, go for five minutes, and then end in DQ which we talk about until 11:05.
Speaking of WWE, the fans seemed to be suddenly reminded that they’re head to head with Raw because in light of the incredible action, they start chanting “Who needs Bret?” I realize this is supposed to get under Vince’s skin, but I don’t think Bret Hart would appreciate that very much either. The problem with fans is that if Bret showed up on TNA TV, they’d be chanting “Who needs Vince?” So it really has nothing to do with Bret himself. It has everything to do with their dislike of Monday Night Raw and WWE in general.
The Angle Slam from the top rope was epic. This was a PPV quality match. Ric Flair appears on the ramp, but he doesn’t really interfere, and as quick as he’s there, he’s gone. Tennay says Spike is going to stay with this match until they have a winner, but just as he says that, they cut to commercial.
The end of the match boils down to a series of Styles Clashes and Ankle Locks. As a rule, I don’t like it when wrestlers use their finishers more than once, maybe twice in a match. It is called a finisher for a reason. I don’t care what the move is, if you can’t put your opponent down in two finishing moves, you need to use something more powerful. I was never that impressed with the Styles Clash, but the fact that A.J. uses it about four times in this match made me wonder why he didn’t just save it for last. Similarly, A.J. continues to fight out of the Ankle Lock, but that doesn’t stop Kurt from applying it over and over. Styles eventually wins with a splash, but the two share the victory. The show should’ve ended right there, with Angle and Styles giving respect to each other and to the fans, with the crowd cheering for them, the company, everyone involved.
Instead, Hulk Hogan comes out onto the ramp and just kind of nods his head in approval. Since when do these guys need Hulk Hogan to tell them how good they are? Since when has anyone cared what Hulk Hogan thinks of A.J. Styles or Kurt Angle? These are two world-class athletes, arguably the two best wrestlers in the world today, and they need Hulk Hogan’s approval? Can you imagine what would happen if Hulk even thought about getting rid of either one of these men? Fans would be outraged. So don’t tell me that Hogan has to come out and give them a big thumbs-up. They know they did a great job, they don’t need to hear it from Dixie Carter’s new mouthpiece.
Hogan says “We made history tonight, blah blah blah”, we know, we know. Then Hogan gets told there’s a disturbance backstage, and the Hulkster leaves the iMPACT Zone to investigate.
Apparently the Beautiful People don’t suck that much at Poker because they’re still clothed before Mick Foley bursts into the room and asks Val where Hogan’s office is. Val tells him it’s down the hall and to the left. I’m not really sure what his idea of “Down the hall and to the left is”, because Foley, who obviously knew where Hogan’s office was, makes a right past the Poker room, goes down the hall, makes a few twists through the corridors and comes to a door on the left. He gets there to find Bischoff in Hogan’s seat. After a short spat with Bisch, Foley is attacked by nWo 2.0 (Nash, Hall, and Pac). Conveniently, Hogan enters the room just as the fight ends, and the show fades to black.
I’m not sure how well this new administration will work for TNA. Turning Hulk Hogan corporate will probably backfire. Fans don’t like conformity in wrestling. They want diversity, and, if the Attitude Era has taught us anything, they want rebellion. They wanna see the suits get beat. I don’t know if they plant to turn Hogan as a corporate heel, but it may be the best thing for them at this point. Reform the nWo, only this time, use it to keep the Bischoff Administration in place.
For all the talk of change, nothing really seemed all that different. I suppose it is a work in progress, but it better come quick. TNA has made a huge promise to the fans, and if they don’t deliver, the fans will leave them just as quickly as they left WWE. Right now I can’t seem to shake the feeling that I’ve seen all this before in some far off promotion that no longer exists…
