Well, it's official. All my worst fears were realized to their fullest potential at the 2008 WWE Royal Rumble Pay-Per-View event in Madison Square Garden, New York City.
While I do a lot of criticizing when it comes to Vince McMahon's empire, I will admit to having bought the majority of PPV's from 2005 to the present. But this was different. Not just because it was finally in high-definition, but because it actually had some angles that worked. Let's take a brief look, shall we?
"The Nature Boy" Ric Flair vs. Montel Vontavious Porter
-Okay, so I still don't get what the hype is behind "MVP". Some people are equating him with Mr. Kennedy from RAW, but I don't see it. Still, anything with "The Nature Boy's" career on the line has to be interesting, right? Even though we all know MVP would be the last person to end Flair's illustrious run, it makes everything out of a match that would otherwise have meant nothing.
John "Bradshaw" Layfield vs. "Y2J" Chris Jericho
-You pondered the code that flashed across your screens on Monday nights. You cheered when you realized it meant the return of "Y2J" Chris Jericho. You jumped to your feet when he immediately challenged Randy Orton for the WWE Championship at Armageddon, and you booed when he won by disqualification, leaving the title around the waist of "The Legend Killer". Then, the "Ayatolla of Rock and Rolla" was entangled in a plot with the media maven JBL, and you groaned as you realized Jericho was destined to slide back to midcard status. Yet by the time the Rumble came around, everyone was chomping at the bit to see what would happen in this match. That's because creative finally woke up and smelled the inspiration. They crafted a storyline that went beyond titles, beyond careers and dug deep to weave a tale of personal sabotage. The match may not have been a "Match of the Year" candidate, but at least Jericho picked up the win and now has the momentum as their feud continues.
Edge vs. Rey Mysterio for the World Heavyweight Championship
-Cruiserweight Rey Mysterio going for a world HEAVYWEIGHT championship. 'Nuff said.
Randy Orton vs. Jeff Hardy for the WWE Championship
-And here it is, folks: the moment you've all been waiting for. WWE pulled out a quality of storyline that hadn't been seen in almost a decade. First Hardy becomes 1 contender for the title by beating none other than "The Game" himself, Triple H. Then Hardy does a Whisper in the Wind off the top of a 15-foot high steel cage onto a 350-pound Samoan. Then Hardy does the unthinkable when he beats the champion down, drags him up the ramp, throws him off the stage, and gives him a Swanton Bomb off the TitanTron--yes, the TitanTron!
Amazing! Adrenaline? Yes! Intrigue? Yes! Money? Yes! This is it: the answer to all of WWE's problems! They finally have a star the fans are solidly behind and a champion they unanimously hate! It seemed perfectly logical that with Hardy as champion the company would cruise through Wrestlemania XXIV with little hastle and a solid main event featuring two young superstars rather than the same old veterans that have hogged the spotlight year after year. Yes, I'm talking to you, "King of Kings".
With all that was going right for them it seemed only a matter of time before WWE did what they do best and f**ked the whole thing up.
Yep. Hardy walked away from the Rumble with the short end of the stick while Orton retained his title, carrying on a dynasty that had already long overstayed its welcome. Despite the fact that the fans desperately want to see new blood in the main event picture, they are forced to suffer the same bland and well worn out personalities they've experienced for the past several years.
And get this: Hardy doesn't even get a decent spot. Nope. I mean, he gets the usual, which is great, don't get me wrong, but the so-called "writers" in WWE seem to nned another blast of Storytelling 101.
If I write a story in which Jeff Hardy jumps off a steel cage, the fans get excited because they want to know, "What will Hardy do next?" If I then continue this story with the idea of Jeff Hardy jumping off a 30 foot TitanTron set piece, the fans are thinking, "Oh my god! What will Hardy do next?" This leads us to the climax (a.k.a. Royal Rumble event). The fans have been teased with attacks here and there, but this is it: this is for all the marbles. So you would think that this is where Jeff would take the ultimate risk. He'd put it all on the line for the title, for one last chance to prove he is good enough to be called champion. This is where he does the most ridiculous spot ever.
Oh, that's right. We're talking about WWE here. Never mind. We'll just have a standard, Monday Night RAW quality match and let Orton win with a single RKO after getting the crap beaten out of him for twenty minutes.
By the way, Vince McMahon thanks you for you $39.95 (add $10 if you watched it in HD.)
So with all this, you would think that this angle is pretty much dead, right? Jeff had his chance, lost, and will now be thrown back into obscurity in favor of another Triple H/Randy Orton soap opera in which the "Cerebral Assassin" tells us all how he made Randy Orton and he can break Randy Orton and in the process become a 12-time World Champion.
But wait. Does it really have to be this way? Does the wrath of "The Game" have to be incurred when we could so easily have Hardy win the title at Wrestlemania, just months away? Maybe WWE was just whetting our appetite for something bigger...something better.
No such luck. Lo and behold! Here comes an unannounced John Cena to win the Royal Rumble by eliminating men like Umaga, Kane, Big Daddy V, and other formerly "impossible-to-eliminate-by-any-one-man" opponents.
Now, to WWE's credit, Cena's return was kept totally secret and not even hinted at during WWE programming, leaving fans and critics alike totally clueless. So when it happened, it was big. It was huge! John Cena, who was scheduled to be out for at least three more months, was not only here, but he'd won the Royal Rumble! He was going to Wrestlemania XXIV!
Wait. John Cena? The John Cena? The former three-time WWE Champion John Cena? He's back? From that torn pectorial muscle that was supposed to keep him out of action for almost a year? Didn't that happen like, four months ago? Wasn't WWE running around like a bunch of chickens with their heads cut off trying to figure out what they would do without their beloved John Cena to hold the WWE Championship until Wrestlemania when he would job it out to Orton or Triple H? Isn't he the reason guys like Jeff Hardy finally got their moment in the sun? Isn't his injury the reason the fabled "glass ceiling" of WWE was finally broken? Isn't this a little soon to be coming back from a career threatening injury?
The answer to all of these questions, of course, is yes. John Cena's monopoly of the WWE Championship was thwarted by a torn pectorial muscle that was reputed to be keeping on the sidelines for the next 6-8 months and at the very least, out of the Wrestlemania main event picture. To fill the void, WWE called upon Randy Orton (after a few hours of Triple H as champion). Orton didn't fly as they'd hoped, and they were desperate to find someone worthy of holding the title. After passing up mediocre championship contenders like Chris Jericho and Shawn Michaels, WWE called upon Jeff Hardy to challenge Orton.
And he lost.
Despite the fact that WWE was desperate to get the title off Orton's uncharismatic shoulder, Jeff lost. Despite the fact that everyone and his brother could just smell the money hot off the press when it came to the question of Jeff Hardy as champion, Jeff lost. Despite the fact that WWE will only get a chance like this once every full moon, Jeff lost.
Instead we get John Cena and we quickly find ourselves back in the same loop we've been in since "The Champ" won the title from JBL back at Wrestlemania 21 (2005). Never mind the fact that Cena's quick return could be more of a hinderance to his career than a benefit. Never mind that the shock will wear off in a matter of weeks and may have even worn off by Monday night. Never mind the fact that men like Jeff Hardy have been working their a$$e$ off the entire year to hold the main event picture together because WWE doesn't know what to do without "Old Reliable", Mr. Cena.
And what of the "Rainbow-Haired Warrior"? Oh, he's in the Elimination Chamber match to determine the new 1 Contender for the WWE Championship at No Way Out--WWE's next Pay-Per-View. He'll be in the chamber with Jericho, JBL, "The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels, Triple H, and "The Samoan Bulldozer" Umaga.
For those that don't know, the Elimination Chamber is a steel and chain structure that is billed as being one of the most brutal matches in WWE history. For that reason, it is used very sparingly as men have sweat, bled, and clawed their way to barely surviving inside of it.
Oh yeah, and there will be two of them at No Way Out.
Yep. Two Elimination Chambers. One for RAW to determine the 1 Contender for the WWE Championship, one for Smackdown!/ECW to determine the 1 contender for either the World Heavyweight Championship or the ECW World Championship. Yep. Everyone gets to hang out in the Chamber.
First off, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see the lack of inspiration here. If you're having two matches of the exact same type at the exact same Pay-Per-View in the exact same arena in the exact same ring, there's something seriously wrong.
I mean, what are people saying when Stephanie McMahon stands up in the creative meeting and says: "You know what we need to determine the 1 contender for the WWE Championshp? The Elimination Chamber!"
A slight smile flashes across Vince's face. He's so proud of his daughter's cunning mind.
"And to determine the 1 contender for the World Heavyweight and ECW World Championship?"
Everyone is on the edge of their seats. What could she have in store?
"The Elimination Chamber."
Vince shifts uncomfortably in the awkward silence that follows, then mutters, "Sweetheart, we already have an Elimination Chamber match scheduled for No Way Out."
"I know!" Stephanie tells him. "And I thought, what's better than the Elimination Chamber? TWO Elimination Chambers, of course!"
Duh! Why didn't I think of that? Oh yeah, because it goes against every rudementary rule of wrestling promotion.
Example: I have two street fights scheduled for my show. In the first street fight Shawn Michaels hits Shelton Benjamin with a steel chair and the crowd goes "Ooooh! Aaaah!" Then he hits him with a ladder and the crowd reacts even louder. Finally he jumps off the ladder through a flaming table onto a bleeding Shelton who is still showing some wear from the barbed wire sticking out of his left thigh. The crowd is electrified. Shawn hits a superkick, because he's Shawn, and wins.
In the second match The Undertaker hits Jimmy Wang Yang with a steel chair. The crowd mumbles it's approval. He hits him with a ladder. The crowd yawns. Finally he jumps off the ropes through the announcers table onto a lifeless Jimmy Wang Yang who is still showing some wear from the plethora of head shots he's taken from various weapons along with a superplex off the top rope and numerous Chokeslams. The crowd is forming a line at the concession stand. Undertaker hits a Tombstone for the win.
See what happened there? The first match was so good that fans wanted to see something even more brutal from the second match, and they didn't. They had already been desensitized to the violence from the first match so they didn't care.
The same rules apply to the Elimination Chamber.
The second problem I have with this is the question of where it leaves Orton and Cena? What is the champion going to do to occupy his time until the big showdown with Cena two months hence? Well that's obvious: he's going to have that showdown a month early.
Yep. After making such a huge deal about how important it was that he be back in time to headline Wrestlemania, Cena opted to take his title opportunity at No Way Out.
No offense to "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, but--
WHAT?
Wasn't the whole point of the Royal Rumble the chance to main event Wrestlemania? Isn't that why midcarders like Carlito and Tommy Dreamer were in it? Hell, isn't that why Cena came back from his injury in 1/3 the time it would take the average man?
And Jeff Hardy? He now has to fight to become 1 Contender again. Whereas someone like Edge or Triple H may be able to simply invoke some sort of "rematch clasue", Jeff now has to fight his way through five other men to simply get another shot. Not only that, but he has to do it at the very last opportunity and inside one of the most hellacious structures in WWE history (one of two on the night, or did I mention that already?)
It's apparent the lack of creativity flowing through WWE has reached an all-time high. Jeff Hardy will be buried once again now that Cena is back to make all other wrestlers on the roster obsolete. Where ratings for RAW were beginning to climb towards the 3.8/4.0 range, we will now slip back into the uper 2's and lower 3's thanks to the tired song-dance one-trick pony that is John Cena. Just when it looked like someone might actually have come to really "save" RAW, we realize it is just filler for the return of a cardboard champion. Just when we think we might get to experience a fresh new flavor, WWE pulls the bait & switch one more time and we are left with that same, cold, bitter taste in our mouths.
I guess it was fun while it lasted.
